The Pain a Patch Can't Fix
 |
| Fentanyl 50mcg, and the cathartic relief of tattoo |
Today, that pain is more to do with this than physical (although there's some of that, too):
Lest you should deny me this, I will warn you I know it all too well and will not accept non-apologies excusing people's behavior with good intention. I'm not as oblivious to opposition as I seem, I just choose not to focus on it.
My life has not been smooth or simple, nor have I performed perfectly. I don't claim to be all that good at anything, other than maybe telling my story honestly. So here it is. I'm living authentically, knowing that I'm worthy, knowing that my life is good. I'm on the receiving end of a lot of criticism for you who I am and what I say and how I live, demonizing and vilifying criticism. A lot of people tell me how they're entitled to say whatever they want about my life, which I suppose they are, but I caution them it's not in good wisdom or maturity to do so.
There's this perception that things have either been pretty easy for me because of how I look and the attention I get publicly, or that if I have problems, they are in some way my fault. This has been suggested to me explicitly on many occasions and through more subtle means for many, many years. And to this sentiment (and these people), I say: You are wrong about me. I refute your judgement. I refuse to back down, being an assertive and opinionated woman is not about me being "crazy" or "having issues." I actually pity the people who judge me, they spend their lives being critics instead of living.
To my haters: I know a lot of you. I don't presume to know why half of you are so bitter toward me specifically, but to those who have made it readily apparent: I don't owe you anything. I don't owe you my attention, my praise, my time and certainly not my body. If you suffer from an inability to see the ways you feel entitled to me and get bitter when I exercise boundaries, I feel sorry for you, but I also say:
Screw You. Stop trying to make my life a living hell.
So many people around me have made it abundantly clear that they think I'm a side character in their story, not the main character in my own. They get so angry when they don't get my total support, when I don't act a doormat and support everything they do, whether I agree with it or not.
Let me go on the record to say that you can't be in a happy relationship with me if it depends on me always agreeing with you. Call me a diva, if you like. I will embrace the label you try to degrade me with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a strong-willed woman, I'm not bossy or a chore or anything of the like. I might be discouraged today, but I will not let you have power over my happiness.
 |
| I still believe this! |
The thing that hurts, through all of this, is not even you who criticize, it's the ones who stand by and are afraid to stand up for me, or very simply, be my friend. I think people who are kind and compassionate and sweet to me think that because I refute the way that bullies treat me, that that's how I am or that that strength comes from having a group of friends around me. It doesn't. It comes from me, and every once in a while I find a friend who will listen, usually for a short time. People feel bad, they empathize, they support... and then when it gets too tough, most everyone bails.
Being close to me is often difficult, because my life is, and because I'm just doing my best. I'm not perfect and when you have abuse, illness and invalidating bullying in your life - things get tough. Sometimes I say I'm running away. The more time that goes by, the more I realize I'm buying into another way people blame me for my own trials. I don't run away. I give my heart fully to absolutely everything I do. I've experienced more rejection and heartbreak than most people can comprehend me experiencing.
I hurt because nobody wants to stand by my side, not really.
I'm a strong woman, but I hurt. Right now I hurt. Just because you don't see someone's hurt, doesn't mean they don't. Remember what Plato said: Be kind, for everyone you know is fighting a hard battle.
Love and Admiration,
Shareeta
Comments
Post a Comment