Double D's and Double Standards
I'm about to blow up a controversial topic, and it will probably horrify some of the people that have been reading this blog. You know what? It should. I hope that when you read this, you're horrified a little bit and recognize how unhealthy this is.
So, concerning the title - the first thing I want to say is that this behavior I'm about to highlight is not exclusive to mormon YSA circles, but I would say at least as many as half of the population of any young single adult ward I've been to participates in this sexually objectifying, manipulative and attention seeking behavior. It would be interesting to take a poll of my readers - so guys, raise your hand if you've seen this (really, feel free to bring this up to me even though it's a touchy subject, I would really like to know if I'm the only one noticing this and feeling horrified.)
Let's talk about sex. What? you're probably thinking, no. Not appropriate, Shareeta. No, guys let's really talk about sexually motivated behavior because this is sick and its affecting the lives of a LOT of young mormons really negatively. I don't care if it's uncomfortable, because save the direct addressing of the inappropriate behavior, I am confident that I will be keep my head about the topic and speak appropriately.
So, other YSA individuals, here's the part where you're going to question if you've had an experience like mine (I bet you have, I have probably hundreds of these stories from my 6ish years in singles wards). Let's really talk modesty. And if you haven't caught the drift before from my behavior or my rhetoric on the subject, I am not talking about the amount of cleavage you or I or anyone else shows. I'm talking about the way we conduct ourselves and the way it affects people around us.
Raise your hand if you've been in mixed company with a group of YSA who, without context or introduction, brings up inappropriate topics no matter how they are dressed. Have you ever been around when a girl just randomly talks about her sexual appeal and starts comparing body parts or makes suggestive jokes to flirt? How about the mixed company talking about making out and touching conversation? Have you ever had a girlfriend who's pretty normal with just the girls, but ups the ante in mixed company and brings up her body/sexuality/sexually tempting topics? How about sitting in a group of mixed company and only being able to talk about NCMOs (non-commital-make-outs, for the uninitiated into this sick, sad world) or that one set of friends who basically advertises to the group that they're not committed but they do have a physical relationship?
Why is this okay to you? Is it okay because you're an RM and you're wearing garments and nothing is showing so you figure you're fine? Is it okay to allude to me being slutty or promiscuous for wearing a bikini and carry yourself with such a profound lack of dignity and grace?
I take responsibility for the choices I make with my body - I'm going on record saying there are times when I don't dress my body modestly. This is neither here nor there, and honestly if you want to always make sexual references and allusions in mixed company, I guess that's really not my business either. I'm not going to do that, though, and I'm honestly disgusted by being around it.
I'd also like to make a differentiation between the two behaviors - my body, while sexually attractive to some, is not inherently sexual just by being there. Bringing up your sexual activity, on the other hand, is always sexual. If I'm sitting around in a bikini, I'm still going to carry myself modestly - as in, I'm not going to have a conversation about sex or sexual acts or sexual things or sexual boundaries with a group of people. That's not a group activity, that's a one-on-one conversation.
I'm not perfect, and I'm not saying that it's a good example or the most defensible behavior to wear a bikini. It is pretty straightforward, though. I'm not looking for attention by putting on a bikini. My real motivation for wearing the clothes that I do are any in a list of the following: I feel proud of my body, even if it's not working, I like the clothes, the clothes feel comfortable, I just feel pretty, the clothes either eased or satisfied a portion of my sensory processing disorder or they were the best expression of the feeling or mood I had when I put them on.
It's weird and creepy that there's a double standard between men and women in the church on this issue - If a priesthood holder was saying and doing some of the things that women say or do in these situations, they would immediately be labeled creepy, inappropriate and probably sinful. I consider it sinful, I would feel unworthy to take the sacrament if I was doing these things on a regular basis. How can you think it's okay to talk about your bra cup size or the proportion of your butt to your body? How creepy would a guy be if he started talking about his package (I could get more explicit, but I won't!) to you? You would probably never talk to him again, would you? I can't judge your worthiness to take the sacrament, but I'm going to say that it makes my skin crawl to think about doing this. I can think of 2 times in my life where I caved to the peer pressure and attention seeking behavior and participated. I felt more dirty than after I was manipulated and sexually abused because I felt like, in addition to having this really special, awesome, private part of myself used, I was the one not only using it but using it to manipulate someone else's really special, awesome, private response to gain an emotional kickback. Manipulations skeeves me out, everyone. Manipulation of this nature is emotionally and sexually abusive. Yes, abusive. It's one thing to do some winky faced texts, but like I said, this should not be a GROUP ACTIVITY.
And yet, somehow, we normalize this behavior and expect guys to practice an amazing amount of self-control and treat us with respect... when we're being emotionally abusive? SO SO SO gross. Don't do this to men, please everyone everywhere, please do not it is really awful. You are manipulating a double standard to cheapen the whole experience of physical interaction, receive the attention you want, and vilify girls who get more attention than you. I seriously want to vomit just thinking about all of this. I'm tired of people making allusions to my "sluttiness" for the clothes that I wear while they do this to the men around me that I honestly respect and enjoy having all kinds of conversation with.
Here's an example of the gross normalization of this behavior: I had a man walk into a room, refute the point that I brought up about a charitable organization that was printed on my t-shirt, and tell me he looked right at my boobs. He said that, to my face. He honestly interacts with enough women who have manipulated him for attention that he genuinely thought that was okay to say, that I wanted that attention and did not even notice how uncomfortable I was as he monologued about how 'If women don't want us to look at their boobs, they should wear writing on the back of their t-shirt, not the front.'
Hello!? Are you still with me? This is a priesthood holder, in good standing with the church, in the possession of a temple recommend. Just so you know, this is NOT unusual. I wish I had stood up for myself that day, sometimes I wonder if when I do that I'll be blown off, accused of being crazy or too sensitive or over-reacting (these things happen) because OTHER GIRLS INVITE THIS BULLSHIT (I'm only a little bit sorry for swearing).
Specifically to guys (especially guys who have treated me with respect, whom I respect): I really am sorry that women do this, and I really want you to realize how you're getting played for attention, because I really want for you to be happy, not manipulated. Recognize, first of all, that these women are being pitted against each other and that they've bought into that awful, cultural lie. They feel so much pressure to be validated by you that they have lost sight of who they are and what they believe in. So, before I call this next point to your attention, I need you to recognize how punishing it is to be a woman under these pressures, but also recognize that she can be as much in control of herself and her behavior as you should be of yourself and your behavior. And you need to demand that as she would demand it of you.
So, gentlemen, recognize this:
Important Point #1: The women who pique your interest by flirting with you this way are probably not even remotely mature enough to have actual important conversations about sexuality, physical contact and boundaries. This behavior will not go away just because she dates or gets married, this is a habit she has to break.
Important Point #2: Women who compliment or build themselves us by putting down other women are competitive bullies. Women who encourage or buy into you doing the same are competitive bullies. This behavior will not go away just because she dates or gets married, this is a habit she has to break.
Important Point #3: Women who use sex/teasing/titillating words, imagery, fantasy or conversation to get your attention are manipulating your sexual tendencies to gain attention and are not indicating an interest in sex necessarily, but most certainly demonstrating a willingness to sacrifice and push the boundaries of your self control so they can get what they want (attention). This behavior will not go away just because she dates or gets married, this is a habit she has to break.
Important Point #4: Many of the stories I've heard in recent years from friends and acquaintances of annulment and unsuccessful marriages root back to her suggestion that she is highly sexual in an attempt to get the attention she wants, which is a misleading precedent that she doesn't know she's setting. She's willing to play with fire to get what she wants, and naively believes that because she's dressed modestly that she's done enough. It stems from misunderstanding on the part of her husband that she was excited for those activities because of her desire and eagerness to be connected to him and her misunderstanding that when words and rings and covenants are exchanged, it's only him that you get that attention from anymore and it may not be what she was expecting or wanted. It may or may not have much to do with sex itself. This behavior will not go away just because she dates or gets married, this is a habit she has to break.
Important Point #5: I know a lot of heartbroken men who experienced the struggles associated with this pattern firsthand, and didn't know what hit them. I know a lot of men who have been manipulated and abused, and turned to manipulative and abusive behavior on their part because that is the frequent unintended result of unresolved issues, cultural pressures, relationship stressors, and making commitments without know one's self. This behavior will not go away just because he or she dates or gets married, it's a habit he or she has to break.
Important Point #6: These women, in their compulsion to win attention, will often distract you from women who are interested in sex but not set on attention over sex. They have a balanced sense of self, and will participate enthusiastically in sex (and accompanying mature conversation necessary to sexual relationships) when it is appropriate to do so.
For my sake, and for these women's sake alike, don't let this be the case. Do your best to exercise self-control, but please please please exercise boundaries with these women.
If I (or another woman) calls one of these ladies out on this behavior, she will basically call me a prude and get defensive and rude (remember she's doing this for attention in a competitive nature, she's acclimated to sacrificing her values to get the attention she's been taught she needs).
Gentlemen, this means that you have a lot of power here. If you refute her explicit and sexual suggestiveness, no matter how harmless it may seem and encourage healthy sexual expression by having mature discussion about boundaries, you have a greater chance of changing her viewpoint.You're also setting yourself up to spend time with women who carry themselves with dignity, treating herself and the men in her world with respect. Hold out for that! Don't be fooled, please.
Love and Admiration,
Shareeta
So, concerning the title - the first thing I want to say is that this behavior I'm about to highlight is not exclusive to mormon YSA circles, but I would say at least as many as half of the population of any young single adult ward I've been to participates in this sexually objectifying, manipulative and attention seeking behavior. It would be interesting to take a poll of my readers - so guys, raise your hand if you've seen this (really, feel free to bring this up to me even though it's a touchy subject, I would really like to know if I'm the only one noticing this and feeling horrified.)
Let's talk about sex. What? you're probably thinking, no. Not appropriate, Shareeta. No, guys let's really talk about sexually motivated behavior because this is sick and its affecting the lives of a LOT of young mormons really negatively. I don't care if it's uncomfortable, because save the direct addressing of the inappropriate behavior, I am confident that I will be keep my head about the topic and speak appropriately.
So, other YSA individuals, here's the part where you're going to question if you've had an experience like mine (I bet you have, I have probably hundreds of these stories from my 6ish years in singles wards). Let's really talk modesty. And if you haven't caught the drift before from my behavior or my rhetoric on the subject, I am not talking about the amount of cleavage you or I or anyone else shows. I'm talking about the way we conduct ourselves and the way it affects people around us.
Raise your hand if you've been in mixed company with a group of YSA who, without context or introduction, brings up inappropriate topics no matter how they are dressed. Have you ever been around when a girl just randomly talks about her sexual appeal and starts comparing body parts or makes suggestive jokes to flirt? How about the mixed company talking about making out and touching conversation? Have you ever had a girlfriend who's pretty normal with just the girls, but ups the ante in mixed company and brings up her body/sexuality/sexually tempting topics? How about sitting in a group of mixed company and only being able to talk about NCMOs (non-commital-make-outs, for the uninitiated into this sick, sad world) or that one set of friends who basically advertises to the group that they're not committed but they do have a physical relationship?
Why is this okay to you? Is it okay because you're an RM and you're wearing garments and nothing is showing so you figure you're fine? Is it okay to allude to me being slutty or promiscuous for wearing a bikini and carry yourself with such a profound lack of dignity and grace?
I take responsibility for the choices I make with my body - I'm going on record saying there are times when I don't dress my body modestly. This is neither here nor there, and honestly if you want to always make sexual references and allusions in mixed company, I guess that's really not my business either. I'm not going to do that, though, and I'm honestly disgusted by being around it.
I'd also like to make a differentiation between the two behaviors - my body, while sexually attractive to some, is not inherently sexual just by being there. Bringing up your sexual activity, on the other hand, is always sexual. If I'm sitting around in a bikini, I'm still going to carry myself modestly - as in, I'm not going to have a conversation about sex or sexual acts or sexual things or sexual boundaries with a group of people. That's not a group activity, that's a one-on-one conversation.
I'm not perfect, and I'm not saying that it's a good example or the most defensible behavior to wear a bikini. It is pretty straightforward, though. I'm not looking for attention by putting on a bikini. My real motivation for wearing the clothes that I do are any in a list of the following: I feel proud of my body, even if it's not working, I like the clothes, the clothes feel comfortable, I just feel pretty, the clothes either eased or satisfied a portion of my sensory processing disorder or they were the best expression of the feeling or mood I had when I put them on.
It's weird and creepy that there's a double standard between men and women in the church on this issue - If a priesthood holder was saying and doing some of the things that women say or do in these situations, they would immediately be labeled creepy, inappropriate and probably sinful. I consider it sinful, I would feel unworthy to take the sacrament if I was doing these things on a regular basis. How can you think it's okay to talk about your bra cup size or the proportion of your butt to your body? How creepy would a guy be if he started talking about his package (I could get more explicit, but I won't!) to you? You would probably never talk to him again, would you? I can't judge your worthiness to take the sacrament, but I'm going to say that it makes my skin crawl to think about doing this. I can think of 2 times in my life where I caved to the peer pressure and attention seeking behavior and participated. I felt more dirty than after I was manipulated and sexually abused because I felt like, in addition to having this really special, awesome, private part of myself used, I was the one not only using it but using it to manipulate someone else's really special, awesome, private response to gain an emotional kickback. Manipulations skeeves me out, everyone. Manipulation of this nature is emotionally and sexually abusive. Yes, abusive. It's one thing to do some winky faced texts, but like I said, this should not be a GROUP ACTIVITY.
And yet, somehow, we normalize this behavior and expect guys to practice an amazing amount of self-control and treat us with respect... when we're being emotionally abusive? SO SO SO gross. Don't do this to men, please everyone everywhere, please do not it is really awful. You are manipulating a double standard to cheapen the whole experience of physical interaction, receive the attention you want, and vilify girls who get more attention than you. I seriously want to vomit just thinking about all of this. I'm tired of people making allusions to my "sluttiness" for the clothes that I wear while they do this to the men around me that I honestly respect and enjoy having all kinds of conversation with.
Here's an example of the gross normalization of this behavior: I had a man walk into a room, refute the point that I brought up about a charitable organization that was printed on my t-shirt, and tell me he looked right at my boobs. He said that, to my face. He honestly interacts with enough women who have manipulated him for attention that he genuinely thought that was okay to say, that I wanted that attention and did not even notice how uncomfortable I was as he monologued about how 'If women don't want us to look at their boobs, they should wear writing on the back of their t-shirt, not the front.'
Hello!? Are you still with me? This is a priesthood holder, in good standing with the church, in the possession of a temple recommend. Just so you know, this is NOT unusual. I wish I had stood up for myself that day, sometimes I wonder if when I do that I'll be blown off, accused of being crazy or too sensitive or over-reacting (these things happen) because OTHER GIRLS INVITE THIS BULLSHIT (I'm only a little bit sorry for swearing).
Specifically to guys (especially guys who have treated me with respect, whom I respect): I really am sorry that women do this, and I really want you to realize how you're getting played for attention, because I really want for you to be happy, not manipulated. Recognize, first of all, that these women are being pitted against each other and that they've bought into that awful, cultural lie. They feel so much pressure to be validated by you that they have lost sight of who they are and what they believe in. So, before I call this next point to your attention, I need you to recognize how punishing it is to be a woman under these pressures, but also recognize that she can be as much in control of herself and her behavior as you should be of yourself and your behavior. And you need to demand that as she would demand it of you.
So, gentlemen, recognize this:
Important Point #1: The women who pique your interest by flirting with you this way are probably not even remotely mature enough to have actual important conversations about sexuality, physical contact and boundaries. This behavior will not go away just because she dates or gets married, this is a habit she has to break.
Important Point #2: Women who compliment or build themselves us by putting down other women are competitive bullies. Women who encourage or buy into you doing the same are competitive bullies. This behavior will not go away just because she dates or gets married, this is a habit she has to break.
Important Point #3: Women who use sex/teasing/titillating words, imagery, fantasy or conversation to get your attention are manipulating your sexual tendencies to gain attention and are not indicating an interest in sex necessarily, but most certainly demonstrating a willingness to sacrifice and push the boundaries of your self control so they can get what they want (attention). This behavior will not go away just because she dates or gets married, this is a habit she has to break.
Important Point #4: Many of the stories I've heard in recent years from friends and acquaintances of annulment and unsuccessful marriages root back to her suggestion that she is highly sexual in an attempt to get the attention she wants, which is a misleading precedent that she doesn't know she's setting. She's willing to play with fire to get what she wants, and naively believes that because she's dressed modestly that she's done enough. It stems from misunderstanding on the part of her husband that she was excited for those activities because of her desire and eagerness to be connected to him and her misunderstanding that when words and rings and covenants are exchanged, it's only him that you get that attention from anymore and it may not be what she was expecting or wanted. It may or may not have much to do with sex itself. This behavior will not go away just because she dates or gets married, this is a habit she has to break.
Important Point #5: I know a lot of heartbroken men who experienced the struggles associated with this pattern firsthand, and didn't know what hit them. I know a lot of men who have been manipulated and abused, and turned to manipulative and abusive behavior on their part because that is the frequent unintended result of unresolved issues, cultural pressures, relationship stressors, and making commitments without know one's self. This behavior will not go away just because he or she dates or gets married, it's a habit he or she has to break.
Important Point #6: These women, in their compulsion to win attention, will often distract you from women who are interested in sex but not set on attention over sex. They have a balanced sense of self, and will participate enthusiastically in sex (and accompanying mature conversation necessary to sexual relationships) when it is appropriate to do so.
For my sake, and for these women's sake alike, don't let this be the case. Do your best to exercise self-control, but please please please exercise boundaries with these women.
If I (or another woman) calls one of these ladies out on this behavior, she will basically call me a prude and get defensive and rude (remember she's doing this for attention in a competitive nature, she's acclimated to sacrificing her values to get the attention she's been taught she needs).
Gentlemen, this means that you have a lot of power here. If you refute her explicit and sexual suggestiveness, no matter how harmless it may seem and encourage healthy sexual expression by having mature discussion about boundaries, you have a greater chance of changing her viewpoint.You're also setting yourself up to spend time with women who carry themselves with dignity, treating herself and the men in her world with respect. Hold out for that! Don't be fooled, please.
Love and Admiration,
Shareeta
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