The reasons I fantasize about punching you while you're talking to me...
So I've been extremely angry lately (GASP).
 |
| If you see this face, I am trying really hard to repress my desire to grab your shoulders and knee you in the gut... (I am, so far, successful everytime... but FAIR WARNING) |
One of the greatest manifestations of my consistency is how generally positive, even-tempered and happy I am, especially in public places. I'll speak about my experiences, even traumatic ones, openly. I also speak about them in upbeat, happy, optimistic tones. I make sure that everyone knows that I feel confident in overcoming them.
Do I do this because I'm truly constantly happy? No. Turns out I'm actually a human being, too. That's right, I'm not a robot.
So why would I do that? Anyone who knows me knows that I'm an extremely genuine person. If a thought crosses my mind, it generally comes out of my mouth. I don't really care if I make people uncomfortable, because I don't really think a little discomfort is bad for people. In fact, I think discomfort leads to growth and growth is good, even when it hurts. [Sidenote: I've just unveiled an operational life philosophy which leads much of my behavior. So there's your insight for the day!]
It seems disingenuous to just lie about how I feel. And it is, to some extent. But I don't believe that anyone is entitled to my true emotional state at any given time. Believe it or not, I withhold a lot. And I have my reasoning. Let me illustrate with some stories.
This week has been a series of breakdowns about my health. Sometimes it's about abuse. Sometimes its other injustices in life. But there are some pretty formulaic responses from others:
Formulaic Response (1)
"But seriously, it's good news because A, B, C, right? You have to look on the bright side!"
Why Response (1) makes me want to punch you:
Do you know me? Like, AT ALL?! I'm a positive quote-postin', yoga teachin', life encouragin', cheerleadin' maniac. I am hands-down, bar-none, the most optimistic and positive person in the world. If I say life is stormy, I'm probably standing in the middle of a hurricane. Don't give me pithy platitudes or cliches at this point, I will probably never trust you again (assuming you don't apologize for doing this to me). Your lived experience of what it takes to get me this sad/upset/angry is probably somewhere between 0-10% of what I'm coping with daily, and I really don't trust someone who tries to fix a really difficult problem with a cliche. You know why? Because experts on adversity are never the ones living it.
You'd help a lot more if you said, "Wow, it must be really tough right now, because you're usually able to have such a good attitude. I'm sorry it's a rough day/night/moment in time."
Formulaic Response (2)
Bears testimony to me of Jesus Christ's Atonement and how it applies to my trial.
Why Response (2) makes me want to punch you:
NO SERIOUSLY MAYBE WE SHOULD TALK MORE OFTEN, YOU REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM. Has my religious dedication and belief really not been made clear to you? Do you know about what I've overcome and how I've done so? Have I ever, ever, ever borne testimony ot you? Did you know I ardently pushed to become a temple attending member of the LDS faith even though it was completely my idea and I had no particular step I was taking other than just wanting that? Do you have any idea why I did that? Do you attend church with me? Do you ever listen when I talk at church? Okaaaaay. So the point being, I am not talking about being exhausted with my trials because I'm giving up on my dedication. I'm not even saying that I don't need a reminder that my Savior understands what I'm going through when I'm frustrated. But I am saying that if you knew me well enough, you'd know that I really don't appreciate when someone tries to find a fix for what I'm going through. There are times when you have to tune into the needs of another human being instead of preaching at them. When you launch into your personal testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, it seems pretty patronizing because none of us has a grasp on that most infinite concept and your grasp probably differs widely from mine based on what you needed access for.
A simple, "I sure don't understand, it makes me glad you have access to the Atonement," would achieve so much more.
Formulaic Response (3)
"You don't usually get so upset about this/Is it really that bad?/I'm sure people meant well so you shouldn't be upset/Etc."
Why Response (3) makes me want to punch you:
Really, don't say these things to anyone about anything, ever. You and they would be better off. Disqualifying someone's lived experience based on your perception is gaslighting. [Click on the link for explanation] This is a cardinal aspect of emotional abuse. So if you do this to me, you're not only being a jerk by invalidating my lived experience based on what you can see, understand and believe (keeping in mind that I make judgements based on much more than you've seen and experienced and couldn't possibly give context to justify every statement I make), you're also triggering my PTSD. For me, this means you're forcing me to lose portions of my memory of this conversation we're having in lieu of a white out of feelings of terror, distrust and anger.
Don't do that. You're not obligated to fully understand a believe everything I say as total, rational fact. In fact, don't do that for anyone's perspective AT ALL. Everything you hear is a perspective of truth, and only by collecting as many perspectives as possible can you begin to form a view of what really is (your own perspective included, but not more heavily weighted than the others).
If you do that, you are likely to never regain my trust. My kindness will come back with an apology, but my trust will ebb away with every instance and you'll be the one chipping away at it.
Formulaic Response (4)
Avoids or ignores me
Why Response (4) makes me want to punch you:
Now, I'm kind of a loner. I can understand why this one is a difficult one to understand, because I honestly do like dealing with and by myself, especially when it comes to handling tough things. What I'm talking about here is not: respectfully responding to my request for space. I'm talking about avoiding me because I in some way make you uncomfortable. The message that this sends is that the circumstances that I've endured through no fault of my own are so difficult and unpleasant that thye me difficult and unpleasant and thus bad company.
Instead, try being honest with yourself (or me. I'm good at this stuff and very understanding) about what makes you uncomfortable. Confront it. I'm absolutely worth the effort. Chances are, you'll learn something.
Formulaic Response (5)
"I totally understand chronic, excruciating pain that you live with day in and day out because my dog bit me when I was 6!"
Why Response (5) makes me want to punch you:
NO YOU DON'T.
Formulaic Response (6)
"Everyone has tough things in their life, it's just that you can't see them."
Why Response (6) makes me want to punch you:
First of all, I actually know many, many of those things. See, people confide in me. They tell me dark secrets and confess their struggles and sins. And that's fine, they do it because I understand and acknowledge that everyone's got stuff. But the people telling me this, I assume, tell other people that when they're struggling with stuff, so I'm guessing those people confiding in me are not confiding in the jerk who said this because I don't feel like confiding in the jerk who said this. You see, life is not a competition for who wins the 'most victimized' prize, and as someone with multiply disabilities... I don't want and definitely don't lay claim to that crown. I have been seeking out people with greater struggles than me to help, and I like to think I lift their burdens from time to time. But someone who says these sorts of things is actually making people feel worse by invalidating their struggles. Also, I don't think most people deal with a long history of sexual assault, emotional abuse, alienation, bullying, sociopathic people, PTSD and 10 years of untreated muscular dystrophy because no one believed you. I don't think it's fair to say that I'm not allowed to be upset about how life is unfair sometimes. Life is unfair. That's how it is. Most of the time I'm at peace with it, but that's a shit ton to handle when you're just 24 years old. Don't start a life-trials-pissing-contest with me, that's just plain stupid.
Instead, say, "I don't know how you handle those things. Some of my friends have told me about the things they've been through and if there's anything I've picked up from them it's A, B, C. I don't know if they apply, but I hope it can help a little."
Formulaic Response (7)
Sticking to my side, always asking if I'm okay or Sticking to my side, telling my I'm such an inspiration
Why Response (7) makes me want to punch you:
Let me exaggerate just a a little here (emphasis on just a little. This is truly not much exaggeration). I'll tell someone I'm having a bad day and then the next time they see me, it's at a restaurant. I'm just holding it together for the sake of being in a public place and going about my business. Generally, I can do that. I'll sit down and start eating a sandwich and do-gooder #1 comes by and sits by me with a sad look on their face and asks me if I'm okay. I'm great, just trying to eat a sandwich. People start looking around. I start getting a lot of attention. I'm pretty uncomfortable with attention as it is, but this is unbearable. Everyone is giving me puppy dog eyes or trying to figure out what's wrong. But then the scrutiny itself is what makes things go wrong because lots of attention inevitably triggers my PTSD. And I kind of go blank and disturbed and that makes people pay closer attention and its an exhaustive cycle. So I just get up to go to the bathroom instead. I walk to the door and push it open to see the smiling face of do-gooder #2. Oh crud. I avoid do-gooder #2 like the plague, ducking into a stall. But she cheers me on, for some reason, as if going to the bathroom were some great task I'm achieving. I can't avoid going out to wash my hands forever. Do-gooder #2 proceeds to praise me for finding the motivation to wash my hands so well.
Awkward, right? You can see how this kind of stuff is annoying, mortifying, triggering and dehumanizing, hopefully. I'm just going about my day, and unless I ask for help or encouragement, it's unsolicited. I often think that this sort of help is more for the helper than for me, because they fulfill a need to have helped or they feel good about what they did. But I don't leave feeling good, I leave feeling uncomfortable with unsolicited attention. It's a lot like getting cat called, except I'm being objectified for feel-goods instead of my goods.
The really helpful thing would be to leave me alone unless I ask for help. Feel free to call me for things you need, aware that I may have to say no to take care of myself, but don't come try to rescue me from my circumstances. Here's a slice of truth: you can't. I know it, and it's bitter when you keep bringing up the disabilities I'm just living with a reminding me that I'm not like everyone else and how unfair life is to me. It's kind of mean, when you see it from my point of view.
This is not an exhaustive list of responses I've received on a regular basis, but it does drive home a couple points. First, when it comes to helping, evaluate your motivation first (is it really altruistic or am I getting something from this? Does it actually help the person), think before you speak, and be willing to own up and apologize if you make a mistake, then try again to do better. Second, there's a reason I don't ask for this help very often or from very many people: it's often more traumatizing than trying to deal with it myself. But in an effort to be more transparent and improve the world for the next Shareeta that comes along, I'm creating discussion.
Love and Admiration,
Shareeta
PREACH IT, SISTAH!!!!!!
ReplyDelete