Always Remember the Divine

  Oh, good morning! It's 5 am, and I've been so productive for the past two hours. Now, I'm not super productive overall, but I take what I can get. Especially when it means that I have a motivation to eat... insomnia is making me hungry.   Now, I will come out and say that it's generally sucky that I can't sleep for more than 5 hours straight, but if I'm going to be up at 3 am, I'm going to take an epsom salt bath and exfoliate my skin with my charcoal bar and wash my makeup brushes and clean my bathroom and change my sheets and do a whole bunch of other things that specifically belong on the list of nod your head but think, yeah, like that's going to happen.  Which is... kind of fun, I guess. And eating, and blogging and meditating by candlelight (I actually make a point to make time for that as it keeps me sane and positive).   So, I want to make this positive. I'm sitting in my sanctuary (bedroom) with my candles and lanterns burning and ince...

  I've been thinking a lot about, well... everything. As per usual. But the topics are changing a bit lately. Perhaps it's the fact that I'm creating a maintenance plan for my health, or that I've acknowledged the interconnectedness of all of my experiences and struggles - but the topic of my dialogue with myself has been a more self-aware lately. I've been having thoughts about my self-perception. And the inherent function and dysfunction of that self-perception.   It's hard to pinpoint what's brought it up, but there are some telling things... pictures of me as of late are suddenly alarming. Why? Because it's like it hit me all at once... since the start of the last (and most severe) flare of my illness, I am ~15 lbs. lighter. It's kind of strange that the weight snuck away with my health. Somehow that happens.   I don't just get sick. There's a lot more to it than just... physical pain.   Here it is: I have, and have had, an eating d...

So, in lds practice, we take the first Sunday of the month and fast for two meals/pray for a cause we've chosen. During the meeting that we'd normally have assigned speakers, we have an open forum for the sharing of testimonies.   I had an interesting experience between the first Sunday of June and the first Sunday of July. A lot of struggle, meaning, new information, pain and resolution. What I find interesting is the timing of that learning and growth. In June, I asked for everyone to fast for me for diagnosis and understanding in the matters of my health struggles. I can't say that I have full resolution , but rest assured, answers have come. I was too sick on the first Sunday in June to make it to church. I asked for help I didn't receive, and that was difficult in its own right, but it was a learning experience, as much of this month has been.   Interestingly enough, though I was sick, I felt a strong compulsion to open my journal and write a testimony. I wou...