I Wouldn't Want to Make You Uncomfortable
I get it, I get it. You don't want to hear about the charity I support that rescues women and their children from sex trafficking in India. That's depressing.
You don't want to hear about how I protect the rights of my friends who have extended me more charity and compassion than you - you have moral objections to their homosexuality, or their appearance, or their choices.
You seem to think that, like you, in order to exercise kindness and compassion to a person and not get vitriolic about their behavior, I must agree on a foundational level with everything they do. I know that you think that because you're one of the people that is vitriolic and hateful to me because of your judgement and analysis of me as a person based on my observable behavior.
You don't want to hear about how tough it is to be a woman who isn't conforming to your ideal or anyone else's. You don't want to hear about me being raped or how that has effected me and how I have dealt with the fallout all these years. You don't want to hear about it - you didn't do it! You definitely don't want to hear about how the things you say and do are contributing to a culture that allows people to treat me that way. You don't want to be called out when you harass me sexually or invalidate me or denigrate me by calling me crazy or referring to my "baggage."
By the way, I got the message. I get it from most of the people I've ever encountered.
It's not your problem, I should just deal with it on my own. You don't want to participate in helping me because you did not directly cause my abuse. You don't want to be uncomfortable.
It couldn't happen in the church, with your group of friends. Nobody is malicious here. And therefore they wouldn't do anything like that.
Apparently your comfort is more important to you than my safety (physically, emotionally or spiritually).
Can we have a quick talk about this?
(I'm not that) sorry to burst your bubble but you're wrong.
You have certainly experienced some misfortune in your life, I would never deny you that. But I doubt you've been raped by someone who goes to church with you. And I doubt people turned a blind eye because it couldn't happen. It's too uncomfortable to think that someone you met and saw with me hurt me and that the way you go about your life comfortably might have contributed to the culture that allowed him to target me and for me to be so unsafe. I'm not sorry to talk about my experiences. When we live in a world where this happens, you're effected because everyone in the world in some way owes a debt of gratitude to at least one woman. And visiting teaching (and friendship in general) has taught me that this is not an isolated issue.
The need to be vigilant about encouraging reverence and appreciation for femininity as Heavenly Father has for his daughters is constant. Do you want to stand up for me, but primarily with me?
You can explain all the reasons why I'm wrong about this, but keep in mind, there's a strong misogyny there. You find things about my character or my behavior that in some way invalidate my truth? You're going to deny this? Aren't I the prime observer here - to reflect on what happened as I heal and do my best to ensure safety for people around me by changing the climate?
It's not enough to just not do wrong, and it's definitely wrong to actively deny the experiences other people's traumatic experiences and observations because it's uncomfortable.
If you don't want to stand up for this issue, you're willing to ignore it, which is largely the reason it got that bad for me. Who's going to call men out on their awful treatment of women? It's not the people who tell them that women are partially responsible for the way they treat women's bodies. It's not the people who find a reason why I just have a skewed perception so that they can continue living in their comfortable world.
If you don't stand up against this, you're part of the problem. If you deny me my experience you are cruel, disrespectful to me and part of the problem.
I lied. I'm almost always uncomfortable, both because of lack of sense of safety and because it's not the end of the world to be uncomfortable - it's where human beings grow, outside of their comfort zone.
I don't think it's my personal obligation to facilitate your comfort while I continue to suffer alone.
I will always be in recovery. I'm a survivor, not a victim anymore, but I will never be done with this. Rape is an experience that changes you forever. It doesn't make me crazy or misandrist or incapable of forgiveness. You'll find I'm likely the most forgiving person you know. But it does make me absolutely sure of what I will not accept or be a doormat about. And that's what you're seeing.
I'm not bossy, or a chore, I'm not someone who is "pussy-whipping" men around me by asking them to stand against this or by anything else I do. I'm not a slut, I'm not a homewrecker and I'm not leading anyone on. I'm smart, and I'm tough and I have an uncompromising standard.
Can you meet it?
Love and Admiration,
Shareeta
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22gvc1ysAK4
You don't want to hear about how I protect the rights of my friends who have extended me more charity and compassion than you - you have moral objections to their homosexuality, or their appearance, or their choices.
You seem to think that, like you, in order to exercise kindness and compassion to a person and not get vitriolic about their behavior, I must agree on a foundational level with everything they do. I know that you think that because you're one of the people that is vitriolic and hateful to me because of your judgement and analysis of me as a person based on my observable behavior.
You don't want to hear about how tough it is to be a woman who isn't conforming to your ideal or anyone else's. You don't want to hear about me being raped or how that has effected me and how I have dealt with the fallout all these years. You don't want to hear about it - you didn't do it! You definitely don't want to hear about how the things you say and do are contributing to a culture that allows people to treat me that way. You don't want to be called out when you harass me sexually or invalidate me or denigrate me by calling me crazy or referring to my "baggage."
By the way, I got the message. I get it from most of the people I've ever encountered.
It's not your problem, I should just deal with it on my own. You don't want to participate in helping me because you did not directly cause my abuse. You don't want to be uncomfortable.
It couldn't happen in the church, with your group of friends. Nobody is malicious here. And therefore they wouldn't do anything like that.
Apparently your comfort is more important to you than my safety (physically, emotionally or spiritually).
(I'm not that) sorry to burst your bubble but you're wrong.
You have certainly experienced some misfortune in your life, I would never deny you that. But I doubt you've been raped by someone who goes to church with you. And I doubt people turned a blind eye because it couldn't happen. It's too uncomfortable to think that someone you met and saw with me hurt me and that the way you go about your life comfortably might have contributed to the culture that allowed him to target me and for me to be so unsafe. I'm not sorry to talk about my experiences. When we live in a world where this happens, you're effected because everyone in the world in some way owes a debt of gratitude to at least one woman. And visiting teaching (and friendship in general) has taught me that this is not an isolated issue.
The need to be vigilant about encouraging reverence and appreciation for femininity as Heavenly Father has for his daughters is constant. Do you want to stand up for me, but primarily with me?
You can explain all the reasons why I'm wrong about this, but keep in mind, there's a strong misogyny there. You find things about my character or my behavior that in some way invalidate my truth? You're going to deny this? Aren't I the prime observer here - to reflect on what happened as I heal and do my best to ensure safety for people around me by changing the climate?
It's not enough to just not do wrong, and it's definitely wrong to actively deny the experiences other people's traumatic experiences and observations because it's uncomfortable.
If you don't want to stand up for this issue, you're willing to ignore it, which is largely the reason it got that bad for me. Who's going to call men out on their awful treatment of women? It's not the people who tell them that women are partially responsible for the way they treat women's bodies. It's not the people who find a reason why I just have a skewed perception so that they can continue living in their comfortable world.
If you don't stand up against this, you're part of the problem. If you deny me my experience you are cruel, disrespectful to me and part of the problem.
I lied. I'm almost always uncomfortable, both because of lack of sense of safety and because it's not the end of the world to be uncomfortable - it's where human beings grow, outside of their comfort zone.
I don't think it's my personal obligation to facilitate your comfort while I continue to suffer alone.
I will always be in recovery. I'm a survivor, not a victim anymore, but I will never be done with this. Rape is an experience that changes you forever. It doesn't make me crazy or misandrist or incapable of forgiveness. You'll find I'm likely the most forgiving person you know. But it does make me absolutely sure of what I will not accept or be a doormat about. And that's what you're seeing.
I'm not bossy, or a chore, I'm not someone who is "pussy-whipping" men around me by asking them to stand against this or by anything else I do. I'm not a slut, I'm not a homewrecker and I'm not leading anyone on. I'm smart, and I'm tough and I have an uncompromising standard.
Can you meet it?
Love and Admiration,
Shareeta
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22gvc1ysAK4
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