Always Remember the Divine

I think I was maybe 16 or17 years old the first time I verbally expressed my opinion on religious faith to someone - in this case my mom. Now, we've had a rocky relationship for a lot of years. There was a great deal of misunderstanding between us, and my mom made a lot of assumptions of what and who I was. I suppose it's a great relief that we had rare moments like these on which to build a foundation for what would become a tenuous and growing relationship. We still have our struggles, and sometimes when I experience a PTSD trigger and flashback, it's easy to believe we are back in those bad  times. But this notion that I expressed to her - it's the thing that kept me going when home was not a safe place  and the best I could say of my relationship with her was that I loved her so much that it was worth the trouble. So, late one night, in the frozen stillness that only comes as it grows later and darker, I told my mom what faith meant to me. I said, "Mom, I...

I must say, with all the controversy as of late concerning criticism of mormonism and ( for me ) the church culture... it's pretty hard to say anything at all. People are lining up on all sides, taking stances and firing. I think to myself, when I go on record, what do I want to say about it? Well, this sums it up quite nicely, to me: “There are always those who take it upon themselves to defend God, as if Ultimate Reality, as if the sustaining frame of existence, were something weak and helpless. These people walk by a widow deformed by leprosy begging for a few paise, walk by children dressed in rags living in the street, and they think, "Business as usual." But if they perceive a slight against God, it is a different story. Their faces go red, their chests heave mightily, they sputter angry words. The degree of their indignation is astonishing. Their resolve is frightening. These people fail to realize that it is on the inside that God must be defended, not on the o...

If you've read almost any of my posts, you know that there's quite a lot going on for me now. This moment, and the ~2 years preceding this moment in time, have been singularly most grueling period of an already painful life thus far. Not that I'm complaining.  This has been the happiest time of my life. Have my trials changed me, what I can be and what I am? Of course they have. And I don't resent it for a second. I actually celebrate it. Truth be told, I lived a lot of years believing the messages sent to me about who I can be. I was hypersexualized, dumbed down, expected to be social and accommodating and approachable at all times. None of these things are remotely me.  If there's any greatest blessing (it would be hard to choose) in all of this, it has been self-discovery. I'm a quiet, intelligent, thoughtful woman. I'm eclectic and resilient and deeply loving. I'm quiet much of the time, but have no fear of speaking. It's just not my prefer...

I get it, I get it. You don't want to hear about the charity I support that rescues women and their children from sex trafficking in India. That's depressing. You don't want to hear about how I protect the rights of my friends who have extended me more charity and compassion than you - you have moral objections to their homosexuality, or their appearance, or their choices. You seem to think that, like you, in order to exercise kindness and compassion to a person and not get vitriolic about their behavior, I must agree on a foundational level with everything they do. I know that you think that because you're one of the people that is vitriolic and hateful to me because of your judgement and analysis of me as a person based on my observable behavior. You don't want to hear about how tough it is to be a woman who isn't conforming to your ideal or anyone else's. You don't want to hear about me being raped or how that has effected me and how I have deal...

A quick note on motivation:   If you want talk to the girl who publicly advocates for equity, social justice and charity about the nice, socially just thing you did and you are standing around, waiting for her approval on the matter - she can tell and she did just find your motivation for doing so.   If you do the right thing because of peer pressure, for attention from someone who cares about you doing the right thing, because of you think of the reward or because you're afraid of some punishment... well, at least you're doing the right thing. That said, if you come up to me all a twitter with excitement about enacting healthy cultural and social change, I will probably sarcastically say, "Congratulations. Would you like a cookie?" I'm not a jerk, and it's good that you did the right thing. But if you need acknowledgement for it, you're kind of missing the point. Social justice is a matter of giving credit to people who struggle every day becaus...

I'm about to blow up a controversial topic, and it will probably horrify some of the people that have been reading this blog. You know what? It should. I hope that when you read this, you're horrified a little bit and recognize how unhealthy this is. So, concerning the title - the first thing I want to say is that this behavior I'm about to highlight is not exclusive to mormon YSA circles, but I would say at least as many as half of the population of any young single adult ward I've been to participates in this sexually objectifying, manipulative and attention seeking behavior. It would be interesting to take a poll of my readers - so guys, raise your hand if you've seen this ( really, feel free to bring this up to me even though it's a touchy subject, I would really like to know if I'm the only one noticing this and feeling horrified. ) Let's talk about sex. What? you're probably thinking, no. Not appropriate, Shareeta.  No, guys let's reall...

Fentanyl 50mcg, and the cathartic relief of tattoo There's some pain that can't be healed by these things that I do - this attempt at fixing. There is some pain that doesn't go away. Today, that pain is more to do with this than physical (although there's some of that, too): Lest you should deny me this, I will warn you I know it all too well and will not accept non-apologies excusing people's behavior with good intention . I'm not as oblivious to opposition as I seem, I just choose not to focus on it. My life has not been smooth or simple, nor have I performed perfectly. I don't claim to be all that good at anything, other than maybe telling my story honestly. So here it is. I'm living authentically, knowing that I'm worthy, knowing that my life is good.  I'm on the receiving end of a lot of criticism for you who I am and what I say and how I live, demonizing and vilifying criticism. A lot of people tell me how they're entitl...