Always Remember the Divine

Somewhere along the way, with all this mess and with all my self-doubt and desire to hide, perhaps because of my absolute determination to be a peaceful warrior for others' sense of worthiness, I woke up a different woman. Now, let me preface this by saying I didn't just wake up to a new person without any work. I remember all the grueling times of miserable experience and determined personal development. That is not what I'm saying. But there's been a rapid, if not perfectly pinpointed, epiphany of joy. I think, how did that come to be?  It's a pretty significant question, considering all the true justification I have for living in misery. But I don't live in misery. I have moments of intense sorrow, deep connection to the grief of the world for it has deeply affected me and the way I live. These moments are impermanent - and while joy is impermanent as well, it is threaded into the tapestry of my nature in thick cords. Sometimes joy is simply endurance...

Swirling, roiling, spinning paint Flinging outside it's bounds Spatter of color Does chaos reign, Or is outside the lines I'm found? Labels don't fit And neither should they So I seem like I'm out of control Your rules aren't my rules Your paint's not my paint My rainbow of colors is mine Where they run together Where colors swirl Does it make you uncomfortable? When you think of the mixing When you see the whorl What do you say aloud? You may not see my masterpiece You'll miss if you look at mistakes But here I land Paint on hand, paint on toes, Painted heart, painted face Let them run, let them mix Slide, surrender to fate Surrender to out of control For eternal are you and eternal your place No mess cannot be undone Mostly the mess Is the beauty itself Let it splatter, expel your paint If you hold it in, you're holding back all Let it go, don't make us wait There's a beauty ...

I. Am. So. Overwhelmed. I feel like I'm trying to catch fireflies with a net hanging out of a rocket, hurtling rapidly toward the stars and feebly attempting to capture some semblance of light before I get there and have only an empty net to show in comparison to the roiling, tossing flame of an almighty star. This has been my recovery. I believe that I can figure out how to surrender control. Intellectually, I believe that. But there's more to life than just intellect.  And I know that things wouldn't be happening how they are if this wasn't the right time, but I'm abysmally terrible with my own emotions, okay? I feel like crying. I had an amazing, life altering, awe-filled experience tonight. Without going into it, I made covenants in the temple. I don't have the slightest problem with any of that, the real struggle was the people there for me. What? Yes, the struggle was the way the temple president took some time for me specifically, told me to look at...

paper skin marks easily      scratches and bruises from whatever it comes in contact with with horror you'll look on,      but i never knew you did no horror for my own decay if you give them secrets      if you explain it away they'll accept it no matter that they're lies it's easy when you're smart      reading books is but a hobby reading people feeds your lifestyle - if not your body hush now, jealous mistress      Anorexia doesn't want to share me but we'll hide together so she can stay "Fat," i'll hear Her say,      pinching belly and staring at reflection "Stupid child... you should know better than to listen to Me." glassy eyed, faraway look      scares people away people with any sense, anyway "Hide better!" She tells me,      and so i get better every day betraying myself with lies i protect Her and not me     ...

I think most people have had some exposure to the Cherokee Legend of the Two Wolves   (still unverified by me, I hate to attribute the etymology of the story wrong but alas not everything has to be technically correct, I guess ).   If not,  here's the story. Got yer' nose!   Maybe it's because I swim in deep waters of contemplation, or more likely because I'm anoretic (I learned that this is the term for a person with anorexia  today), but the thing that comes to my mind is: What about the wolves you won't feed? Just me? Ahh, okay.  If you're baffled as to why I ask this question, do read on...   Every person has a set of wolves. This concept is oversimplified, obviously. We're all a mix of strengths and flaws, virtues and weaknesses, wrapped tightly in a cloak of humanity. Or perhaps that is just what it is that makes us most human.   But I don't want you to see.  I want to see you, but I don't want you to see me, for I grew...