Raw
I. Am. So. Overwhelmed.
I feel like I'm trying to catch fireflies with a net hanging out of a rocket, hurtling rapidly toward the stars and feebly attempting to capture some semblance of light before I get there and have only an empty net to show in comparison to the roiling, tossing flame of an almighty star.
This has been my recovery. I believe that I can figure out how to surrender control. Intellectually, I believe that. But there's more to life than just intellect. And I know that things wouldn't be happening how they are if this wasn't the right time, but I'm abysmally terrible with my own emotions, okay?
I feel like crying. I had an amazing, life altering, awe-filled experience tonight. Without going into it, I made covenants in the temple. I don't have the slightest problem with any of that, the real struggle was the people there for me. What? Yes, the struggle was the way the temple president took some time for me specifically, told me to look at myself in the mirror and told me about my light. Or the way people that I love so much watched me experience the ceremony and expressed their joy and pride in my whole experience.
I don't mean to complain. Really, I don't. "Who wouldn't treasure that experience?" I ask myself. Maybe that's a way of guilting myself. I am most certainly aware of the road that got me to where I am. And I certainly am deeply timid about the things about which I am so bold and brazen. I use genuine confidence to quell the tide of self-doubt that inevitably rises. The battle inside of me rages, probably not unlike others experience, but the stubborn voices of abuse and mental illness don't just battle my sense of self-worth, they use good things against me.
So I have a deeply spiritual beginning experience, a humbling one. My self-doubt preys on the voice that compels me to simultaneously accept love and my own deep significance and feel the might of an omniscient Father in Heaven, though. I have a sense of what I am to become, but where I usually have control and consciousness and great intellect, tonight I felt very small and also very responsible. How could these people, expressing their faith and immense trust in me, possibly be right when I have so much to learn and so much I'm struggling to gain maturity in, even now after all this recovery?
Confession... I am not an emotionally mature person. I don't think so, anyway. I'm not even good enough at listening to any sensation, physical or emotional, from my body to know if I could even handle it when they are conscious feelings for me.
I'm investing in caring for and teaching children as a coach in an effort to build skills that will help me be a mother, trying to figure out some messy semblance of how to have healthy romantic relationships in an effort to be a wife at some point, confronting my personal demons through recovery from anorexia (and similarly, PTSD) and even advancing to become hyper self-aware to the point of being able to tune in as a yoga teacher and forming an ethos for a life that I don't think I'm living emotionally. Oh, and last but certainly not least: I just made the biggest commitment of my life to becoming as Jesus Christ is.
It is a rare moment when I'm not terrified on some level that I'm just not good enough. I push so hard to hide it that I actively work to deny these desires and efforts that I become the opposite of who I am. I hide my sweetness, my kindness, my childlike love and compassion and the simplicity of listening and thinking quietly. I push and push and push myself to be something that I deem acceptable to our society - never letting myself be that energetically sensitive listener and do-er that I am. I feel the need to find words because I feel that people want words.
In short, I think people are seeing a wisdom in my natural self that I don't trust. I'm measuring myself in the ways I was measured and then learned to measure. I know that what's happening is what I need and what will make me happier -
Ruth 2:12
The Lord recompense they work, and a full reward be given thee of the Lord God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust.
I trust Heavenly Father. But I do not trust myself. And I am utterly overwhelmed. And I'm really sorry for the things that I suck at and fail at and I'm terribly overcritical of myself and it spills over into so much of my life that I'm frequently dysfunctional in odd and difficult ways.
It's slowly getting better, but increasing my sensitivity also means increasing my intensity which increases my fear that I'm just not good enough or perhaps too much to deal with.
Love and Admiration,
Shareeta
I feel like I'm trying to catch fireflies with a net hanging out of a rocket, hurtling rapidly toward the stars and feebly attempting to capture some semblance of light before I get there and have only an empty net to show in comparison to the roiling, tossing flame of an almighty star.
This has been my recovery. I believe that I can figure out how to surrender control. Intellectually, I believe that. But there's more to life than just intellect. And I know that things wouldn't be happening how they are if this wasn't the right time, but I'm abysmally terrible with my own emotions, okay?
I feel like crying. I had an amazing, life altering, awe-filled experience tonight. Without going into it, I made covenants in the temple. I don't have the slightest problem with any of that, the real struggle was the people there for me. What? Yes, the struggle was the way the temple president took some time for me specifically, told me to look at myself in the mirror and told me about my light. Or the way people that I love so much watched me experience the ceremony and expressed their joy and pride in my whole experience.
I don't mean to complain. Really, I don't. "Who wouldn't treasure that experience?" I ask myself. Maybe that's a way of guilting myself. I am most certainly aware of the road that got me to where I am. And I certainly am deeply timid about the things about which I am so bold and brazen. I use genuine confidence to quell the tide of self-doubt that inevitably rises. The battle inside of me rages, probably not unlike others experience, but the stubborn voices of abuse and mental illness don't just battle my sense of self-worth, they use good things against me.
So I have a deeply spiritual beginning experience, a humbling one. My self-doubt preys on the voice that compels me to simultaneously accept love and my own deep significance and feel the might of an omniscient Father in Heaven, though. I have a sense of what I am to become, but where I usually have control and consciousness and great intellect, tonight I felt very small and also very responsible. How could these people, expressing their faith and immense trust in me, possibly be right when I have so much to learn and so much I'm struggling to gain maturity in, even now after all this recovery?
Confession... I am not an emotionally mature person. I don't think so, anyway. I'm not even good enough at listening to any sensation, physical or emotional, from my body to know if I could even handle it when they are conscious feelings for me.
I'm investing in caring for and teaching children as a coach in an effort to build skills that will help me be a mother, trying to figure out some messy semblance of how to have healthy romantic relationships in an effort to be a wife at some point, confronting my personal demons through recovery from anorexia (and similarly, PTSD) and even advancing to become hyper self-aware to the point of being able to tune in as a yoga teacher and forming an ethos for a life that I don't think I'm living emotionally. Oh, and last but certainly not least: I just made the biggest commitment of my life to becoming as Jesus Christ is.
It is a rare moment when I'm not terrified on some level that I'm just not good enough. I push so hard to hide it that I actively work to deny these desires and efforts that I become the opposite of who I am. I hide my sweetness, my kindness, my childlike love and compassion and the simplicity of listening and thinking quietly. I push and push and push myself to be something that I deem acceptable to our society - never letting myself be that energetically sensitive listener and do-er that I am. I feel the need to find words because I feel that people want words.
In short, I think people are seeing a wisdom in my natural self that I don't trust. I'm measuring myself in the ways I was measured and then learned to measure. I know that what's happening is what I need and what will make me happier -
Ruth 2:12
The Lord recompense they work, and a full reward be given thee of the Lord God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust.
I trust Heavenly Father. But I do not trust myself. And I am utterly overwhelmed. And I'm really sorry for the things that I suck at and fail at and I'm terribly overcritical of myself and it spills over into so much of my life that I'm frequently dysfunctional in odd and difficult ways.
It's slowly getting better, but increasing my sensitivity also means increasing my intensity which increases my fear that I'm just not good enough or perhaps too much to deal with.
Love and Admiration,
Shareeta
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