I Woke Up to a Happy Life
Somewhere along the way, with all this mess and with all my self-doubt and desire to hide, perhaps because of my absolute determination to be a peaceful warrior for others' sense of worthiness, I woke up a different woman.
Now, let me preface this by saying I didn't just wake up to a new person without any work. I remember all the grueling times of miserable experience and determined personal development. That is not what I'm saying. But there's been a rapid, if not perfectly pinpointed, epiphany of joy.
I think, how did that come to be? It's a pretty significant question, considering all the true justification I have for living in misery. But I don't live in misery.
I have moments of intense sorrow, deep connection to the grief of the world for it has deeply affected me and the way I live. These moments are impermanent - and while joy is impermanent as well, it is threaded into the tapestry of my nature in thick cords.
Sometimes joy is simply endurance in those times of sorrow. Sometimes joy is spontaneous leaping. Sometimes joy is deep empathy with a melancholy emotional performance. Sometimes joy is meditation. I always find joy in someone trusting me with a vulnerable portion of their hearts - connecting and needing, whether it be a young mother distraught at her baby's tantrum during church, fumbling to get a bottle ready as I hold her infant, really learning the story of an acquaintance, an old friend who needs social support and words of love or other seemingly rare but not so rare moments of simple service. Mostly joy is being an agent of active living, not reactive living. I make choices because of who I am, and circumstances don't have much power to change it - at least not permanently.
So, the question how did that come to be? still stands. The answer is imperceptibly, to my eyes, with the grace of people who were equally invisible to me in their moments of service, the hand of God influencing every step I took, and by the nature of my eternally light-filled and joyful spirit, developed over years of struggle, pain and fear. My struggles are not my enemies so much as my teachers - for without them, where would I have found such strength?
In short, I became joyful because I had so many things to overcome to become joyful. To quote my lovely friend/dietitian (as is the case with everyone I meet, I find them to be people more than labels they carry in helping me), "It's not about the years you lost to anorexia. You aren't behind. Everything that you have you are more grateful for, and you will be so glad for everything you experience." She is a wise woman, and a compassionate and kind one as well [Case in Point: Annie was the one who paused for a moment after a statement I made meeting with her to give me credit for saying I was recovering from Anorexia rather than labeling myself Anorexic].
I've noticed lately that my body has changed in appearance quite dramatically (and surely will continue to do so). As someone with body dysmorphia, the realization came quite suddenly and I immediately became aware of something else: love for my body. Now, that was an interesting moment in time. I was so used to hating it. I'll tell you this, though. I didn't love my body because it changed and became beautiful. It was always beautiful, because I am beautiful. My body changed because I began to love it. Perhaps this seems an insignificant distinction, but if you're someone who has leaned on the coping skill of anorexia, it most certainly is not insignificant. I had a small shoulder injury that made me realize I was concerned just because I cared for my body and I didn't want to see or experience its hurt, not because I was anxious to perform or push further.
All of this has come to be in a way that is complex and beautiful and seemingly very messy to the naked eye. But to my eyes, my beautiful, capable, perceptive eyes - it is an intricate manifestation of the process of human growth and development and the magic of Shareeta. It is beyond me to understand it in full, far beyond any human being (which is why it is so magical) but it is undeniably beautiful and I wouldn't change anything about it because, as Annie said, I am so grateful and might I add - so strong for it.
Love and Admiration,
Shareeta
Now, let me preface this by saying I didn't just wake up to a new person without any work. I remember all the grueling times of miserable experience and determined personal development. That is not what I'm saying. But there's been a rapid, if not perfectly pinpointed, epiphany of joy.
I think, how did that come to be? It's a pretty significant question, considering all the true justification I have for living in misery. But I don't live in misery.
I have moments of intense sorrow, deep connection to the grief of the world for it has deeply affected me and the way I live. These moments are impermanent - and while joy is impermanent as well, it is threaded into the tapestry of my nature in thick cords.
Sometimes joy is simply endurance in those times of sorrow. Sometimes joy is spontaneous leaping. Sometimes joy is deep empathy with a melancholy emotional performance. Sometimes joy is meditation. I always find joy in someone trusting me with a vulnerable portion of their hearts - connecting and needing, whether it be a young mother distraught at her baby's tantrum during church, fumbling to get a bottle ready as I hold her infant, really learning the story of an acquaintance, an old friend who needs social support and words of love or other seemingly rare but not so rare moments of simple service. Mostly joy is being an agent of active living, not reactive living. I make choices because of who I am, and circumstances don't have much power to change it - at least not permanently.
So, the question how did that come to be? still stands. The answer is imperceptibly, to my eyes, with the grace of people who were equally invisible to me in their moments of service, the hand of God influencing every step I took, and by the nature of my eternally light-filled and joyful spirit, developed over years of struggle, pain and fear. My struggles are not my enemies so much as my teachers - for without them, where would I have found such strength?
In short, I became joyful because I had so many things to overcome to become joyful. To quote my lovely friend/dietitian (as is the case with everyone I meet, I find them to be people more than labels they carry in helping me), "It's not about the years you lost to anorexia. You aren't behind. Everything that you have you are more grateful for, and you will be so glad for everything you experience." She is a wise woman, and a compassionate and kind one as well [Case in Point: Annie was the one who paused for a moment after a statement I made meeting with her to give me credit for saying I was recovering from Anorexia rather than labeling myself Anorexic].
I've noticed lately that my body has changed in appearance quite dramatically (and surely will continue to do so). As someone with body dysmorphia, the realization came quite suddenly and I immediately became aware of something else: love for my body. Now, that was an interesting moment in time. I was so used to hating it. I'll tell you this, though. I didn't love my body because it changed and became beautiful. It was always beautiful, because I am beautiful. My body changed because I began to love it. Perhaps this seems an insignificant distinction, but if you're someone who has leaned on the coping skill of anorexia, it most certainly is not insignificant. I had a small shoulder injury that made me realize I was concerned just because I cared for my body and I didn't want to see or experience its hurt, not because I was anxious to perform or push further.
All of this has come to be in a way that is complex and beautiful and seemingly very messy to the naked eye. But to my eyes, my beautiful, capable, perceptive eyes - it is an intricate manifestation of the process of human growth and development and the magic of Shareeta. It is beyond me to understand it in full, far beyond any human being (which is why it is so magical) but it is undeniably beautiful and I wouldn't change anything about it because, as Annie said, I am so grateful and might I add - so strong for it.
Love and Admiration,
Shareeta
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