Feeding Myself

paper skin marks easily
     scratches and bruises
from whatever it comes in contact with

with horror you'll look on,
     but i never knew you did
no horror for my own decay

if you give them secrets
     if you explain it away
they'll accept it

no matter that they're lies

it's easy when you're smart
     reading books is but a hobby
reading people feeds your lifestyle - if not your body

hush now, jealous mistress
     Anorexia doesn't want to share me
but we'll hide together so she can stay

"Fat," i'll hear Her say,
     pinching belly and staring at reflection
"Stupid child... you should know better than to listen to Me."

glassy eyed, faraway look
     scares people away
people with any sense, anyway

"Hide better!" She tells me,
     and so i get better every day
betraying myself with lies

i protect Her and not me
     every line of intimacy broken
so they don't get too close

explanations wilder
     even to myself
She's the only lover i ever had, even though I don't want her.

denial deep and yet simple
     because she can quiet the torrent in My soul
but she steals My joy, too...

desire, need, weakness
     too human for her,
things she won't allow

I was feeding Myself to anorexia.