You have to make me a promise.

Here's a picture of me on my 19th birthday. I totally wouldn't have known it was my 19th except... well, for the same reason you can tell it's my 19th birthday in this picture. Some of those memories fade together.

That said, I remember some things about this time in my life. For a myriad of reasons, I was in pretty deep denial about a lot of things and I also was really into avoiding people. So what I'm saying is - I was such a winner and everyone wanted to be around me. (ha! Thankfully for me, there were in fact people who wanted to be around me... case in point, my friend Rudy's right half in this picture).

There's something I said everytime I approached a specific situation at this time in my life that told a lot about the things I wasn't willing to admit to or say. If anyone ever asked me on a date, I said,

"Okay, but you have to make me a promise."

Which really freaks guys out when you're 19 years old... but I digress.

Anyway, the promise they were afraid of was the opposite of my expectation. I would continue by saying,

"You have to promise you won't fall in love with me."

Why in the world would I say that? It sounds a little pretentious (if you don't know me) or perhaps a little crazy. Can I tell you something? I still want people to make that promise to me.

Don't stop reading now if you love me. There is a further point to this and I will not disown you for being awesome to me. I'm older than 19 now.

There was a very powerful subconscious message to that question of mine, and still is. I knew that I was sick. I knew I was fighting like a champ. I knew I had a lot that I had overcome in other ways, too, and I knew I had yet more to overcome emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. I wasn't self conscious about not having dealt with these things yet. I was self-conscious about being identified by those things alone.

I don't want you to (nor do I want anyone to) fall in love (might I add that I use that term both for the intended romantic love and an attitude of deep mutual affection between people who are not attracted to each other, per se) with me based on the things that have happened in my life. I appreciate your respect, your admiration, your awe at my resilience. But don't fall in love with her. Don't fall in love with an antagonist.

So much of my life has been about being an antagonist... like I've needed something to fight or I might just float away into the ether of identity. I didn't want anyone to fall in love with a fighter, which was all I was, because I knew that it wasn't forever. Don't fall in love with the most apparent and dominant part of me, lest it should disappear and you become disappointed.

And you know what?

Disappear it has. Well, not completely. But I don't just think of myself as that woman fighting illness, or abuse or discrimination or failure or whatever the heck it is that I'm fighting. I'm a goofball, a nerd, an introvert and a hippie. I love style and yoga and books and research. I like to make creative media projects and advance ideas. Loose metaphorical and intellectual discussions are the best. Discovering people's truest selfs, cooking, and exploring are passions. These things are intrinsic, and only shaped by trial (not created). If you are going to make a promise to me, promise to love me for these things and many more, not for how brave a sick person I am or how I triumphantly exposed my vulnerable, abused self for the benefit of others in abusive situations.

It's really nice to be recognized for shouldering your burdens and the things that you've done. It's not as nice to be loved only for those things. It's incredibly awesome to be loved, adored even, for you without any frills or letters after your name or without feeling like a champion in the boxing ring. It's beautiful to be loved for the simplest, quietest, truest form of one's self.

So it's changed a little bit since I was 19. Don't promise me that you won't fall in love with me. Promise you'll fall in love with the simplest, most true, most pure version of myself. Don't fall in admiration with me. Don't fall in lust with me. Don't fall in honor with me. Just keep it simple. If you're going to make me a promise about falling in love... promise to fall in love with ME.

Love and admiration,
Shareeta