Can I stop being chastised? Please?!
You know I'm really sick of people lecturing me on how to not be sick. Or how to be more sociable. Or what makes an appropriate dream. Or what friends I should care about. Or which political party will turn me into hellspawn. Or what clothes I should like. Or for having my phone out when people are talking (maybe they're boring me and it would be a lot more rude if I rolled my eyes every .5 seconds because I didn't have an out). Or for eating junk food. Or for being in a imperfect progression of body peace. Or for trying and failing and going a different direction.
I don't know what the human race's fascination with criticism is (nor am I immune to the instinct to criticize sometimes) but I'm not a big fan. I believe in addressing things directly and constructively. I do believe there is a place for talking things out to foster growth and improvement.
I do not believe in criticism.
"But why, Shareeta? How are people supposed to improve?" you might ask.
Do you really think it's productive to list people's faults to them? Save sociopaths, most everyone has moments of preoccupation with their own shortcomings. Seriously. Pointing out something that someone knows and may, at worst, feel ashamed about and, at best, be tender about is counterproductive to changing that thing.
Because self-awareness is the tool that enables real change. And self-awareness and real change come with time and space. And because the only person who can change someone is... themselves.
Now, by all means, if someone's particular shortcomings are effecting you negatively, you don't just compliment them until that shortcoming disappears. Because you all thought that was an effective strategy in human behavioral change, didn't you? Didn't you?!
No, clearly stating your needs is the real solution. I think a lot of people totally misinterpret what clear, statement, and needs are, but that's pretty much a whole other bloggable topic. In the interest of time, remove your emotional opinion about the other person and focus on what isn't working that you have control over: your concern.
Let's take a really simple example. You have a friend who is unaware of your personal space and literally steps on your toes (Guys... there's room to extend this metaphor... hint hint). So you have a couple options - criticism and stating your needs (surely you have more options than just those two but stay with me!). So in the case of criticism, your anger takes over and you yell at your friend. In the case of boundaries, you simply state what is not working within the situation for you. In this case, Ouch!
This is purposefully silly example. But the point is... trust. Trust means assuming that the people you spend your time with have the capacity and compassion to navigate their relationship with you looking out for the best for both of you. It means you think they're smart enough and wise enough to come to their own conclusion and learn relationship lessons in meaningful ways. And if you don't think your friends are capable of this... wuuuh? I mean... why are you hanging out with these people?
So the antithesis of criticism is trust (IMHO).
Option 1: You can accept someone for what they are while keeping an eye on who they want to be.
Option 2: Conditionally accepting some aspects of a person pending judgement on things yet to come and then trying to change them to what you imagine them to be.
For the record... we've all chose option 1 quite a lot. And we don't need to be ashamed of that, if we want to move beyond it. The ways we criticize ourselves usually reflect in the ways we criticize others.
Nonetheless... people are imperfect. If you're not surrounding yourself with people who are proactive about self-improvement and you feel like it's your job to correct them... well, why don't you go procreate or something, stupid? No, actually, don't procreate. I don't think that children need to be treated like that either, even if they need correction sometimes. Also, if you really want to continually choose option 1, I really don't think we need your genes. Jussayin'
Okay, I'm done with Shareeta psychobabble now. This all stems from everyone's need to comment on how I should handle my illness because they're just oh-so-understanding throughout the course of my day today. You know what? You can criticize my life when you've lived in. You can criticize that I ate some gluten and had a soda rather than chewing a cud of chard when you've had a day like I did today. It started at 3 am and ended in the ER writhing in pain until they could pump me full of enough dilaudid to make me smile again. And you know what? Smile I did. I smiled and interacted with the docs and nurses, I smiled and helped my mom feel better about the whole thing. I called my brother to let him know I feel hopeful about healing, and I came back and wrote a blog about respecting others as much as we respect ourselves.
Cheers!
Love and admiration,
Shareeta
I don't know what the human race's fascination with criticism is (nor am I immune to the instinct to criticize sometimes) but I'm not a big fan. I believe in addressing things directly and constructively. I do believe there is a place for talking things out to foster growth and improvement.
I do not believe in criticism.
"But why, Shareeta? How are people supposed to improve?" you might ask.
Do you really think it's productive to list people's faults to them? Save sociopaths, most everyone has moments of preoccupation with their own shortcomings. Seriously. Pointing out something that someone knows and may, at worst, feel ashamed about and, at best, be tender about is counterproductive to changing that thing.
Because self-awareness is the tool that enables real change. And self-awareness and real change come with time and space. And because the only person who can change someone is... themselves.
Now, by all means, if someone's particular shortcomings are effecting you negatively, you don't just compliment them until that shortcoming disappears. Because you all thought that was an effective strategy in human behavioral change, didn't you? Didn't you?!
No, clearly stating your needs is the real solution. I think a lot of people totally misinterpret what clear, statement, and needs are, but that's pretty much a whole other bloggable topic. In the interest of time, remove your emotional opinion about the other person and focus on what isn't working that you have control over: your concern.
Let's take a really simple example. You have a friend who is unaware of your personal space and literally steps on your toes (Guys... there's room to extend this metaphor... hint hint). So you have a couple options - criticism and stating your needs (surely you have more options than just those two but stay with me!). So in the case of criticism, your anger takes over and you yell at your friend. In the case of boundaries, you simply state what is not working within the situation for you. In this case, Ouch!
This is purposefully silly example. But the point is... trust. Trust means assuming that the people you spend your time with have the capacity and compassion to navigate their relationship with you looking out for the best for both of you. It means you think they're smart enough and wise enough to come to their own conclusion and learn relationship lessons in meaningful ways. And if you don't think your friends are capable of this... wuuuh? I mean... why are you hanging out with these people?
So the antithesis of criticism is trust (IMHO).
Option 1: You can accept someone for what they are while keeping an eye on who they want to be.
Option 2: Conditionally accepting some aspects of a person pending judgement on things yet to come and then trying to change them to what you imagine them to be.
For the record... we've all chose option 1 quite a lot. And we don't need to be ashamed of that, if we want to move beyond it. The ways we criticize ourselves usually reflect in the ways we criticize others.
Nonetheless... people are imperfect. If you're not surrounding yourself with people who are proactive about self-improvement and you feel like it's your job to correct them... well, why don't you go procreate or something, stupid? No, actually, don't procreate. I don't think that children need to be treated like that either, even if they need correction sometimes. Also, if you really want to continually choose option 1, I really don't think we need your genes. Jussayin'
Okay, I'm done with Shareeta psychobabble now. This all stems from everyone's need to comment on how I should handle my illness because they're just oh-so-understanding throughout the course of my day today. You know what? You can criticize my life when you've lived in. You can criticize that I ate some gluten and had a soda rather than chewing a cud of chard when you've had a day like I did today. It started at 3 am and ended in the ER writhing in pain until they could pump me full of enough dilaudid to make me smile again. And you know what? Smile I did. I smiled and interacted with the docs and nurses, I smiled and helped my mom feel better about the whole thing. I called my brother to let him know I feel hopeful about healing, and I came back and wrote a blog about respecting others as much as we respect ourselves.
Cheers!
Love and admiration,
Shareeta
Comments
Post a Comment