Girly?

What does that word mean?! I don't even know. Does it mean anything? It's had a lot of cultural pressure attached to it and has meant different things to me over the years, but to be honest I just don't like that word for so many reasons. It limits what's acceptable for me to be, and I don't like it.

I like the word feminine. I think it's important to say that none of these words have meaning except to the user of the word. Like... what feels me feminine is a lot different than what makes someone else feel feminine and really, who the heck cares, be a feminine dude if you like. In the grand scheme of things, it's just a label. 

Today I feel feminine wearing the same shirt as I was yesterday. It's soft, so whatever.

On that note, I will share my distaste for gendered descriptors of traits, but admit to my own cultural conditioning by telling you what I think is girly versus what I think is feminine. Can you tell which term I prefer? Well, if you can't by now, you will soon.

To me girly is about fitting into what the world says about the characteristics of my biological sex. Femininity is the beauty and happiness I feel in my own body and mind. I don't think femininity is in any way female exclusive. But it has its own female energy and character - just like masculinity has its own male energy and character. The traits between the two are highly interchangeable and certainly not gender exclusive. This is the world of gender through my eyes, not anyone else's. I take responsibility for all the assignments within, and recognize that they may be colored by prejudice, bias or other such misinformation or negligence.

I grew up in a family where male influence had apparent weight, but female influence was a powerful unstated undercurrent. As such, the obvious outward appearances of things were very male. I grew up tagging along after my older brother, wanting to do what he did and never pausing to question it. RJ is a pretty remarkable older brother in that he let me do that with rare complaint and that he also balanced that adventurousness of mine - that masculine energy - with the undercurrent that ran in my family from my Mom's influence. He was gentle with me. You see, I was a heart patient from birth and it's well understood within my family that I have a certain fragility for all my bravado. I understand this probably least of all, but it's very mature of everyone to allow for both (myself included, as I'm learning these things about myself). I consider that balance very feminine. My mom and dad encouraged me to pursue so many things, though their apprehension about athletics was pronounced. I was blithely unaware how intelligent I was, and would often get upset (and well... still do) at my peers seeming ignorance.

So I grew up a smart, active, adventurous, curious tomboy. I have a very active imagination and I like to solve problems for myself. My creativity is feminine, my problem solving masculine. All of these things add up to a very happy childhood and, alongside a myriad of other challenges that came at the time, a very difficult adolescence.

Hey, in case you didn't know, preteen girls are really mean. Like, terrible. And they usually get preteen boys to do their dirty work for them, or operate with subtlety or in secret. In the gendered world of late elementary and middle school, there's not a lot of room for a quiet, inquisitive, happy tomboy. You just sort of get shoved out for reading Tom Sawyer and learning about how your dad makes textiles with chemistry. It actually was so confusing and blew me away because as recently as the 4th grade, I had collaborated with a boy I liked because I was interested in his experiment on the measurement of water waste. Spoiler alert: it didn't end up working out between me and him because measuring cups in sinks in the fourth grade is not a lot to build a relationship on, turns out. Also, I moved away. But if you're still out there, Jonathan, your interest in ecology and mathematics is so hot. Look me up, stud!

It's all about your social world when you're in that developmental stage. And, to some degree, I don't think most people every really grow out of it. 

For the record... I didn't care then and I don't care now. I'm a human, so I crave connection like the rest of the world's population, but I would gladly be alone for the rest of my life if the only alternative was to change who I am in order to be accepted.

I tried the girly thing for a little while. Makeup and boy concerns and jewelry and nails. It would resurface later in life on multiple occasions, but I've never remained particularly committed. Girly never accepted my version of feminine. It never let me be the things that make me feel happy, and like the woman I am and the woman I want to be.

For me, feminine means:

1. Being Flexible - life goes crazy, a lot and all the time. Accepting your own lack of control of the cards your dealt and taking control where you do have it means playing a good hand even if someone else has a better one.
2. Being Silly - I am a goofball. I am not ashamed to do and say things that make me laugh, no matter what people think or say
3. Being Happy - there's a lot of jealousy in girl world, and confident, pretty girls are automatically "stuck up" and certainly not allowed to be cognizant of their own strengths. I'm not girly because being feminine means being so content with who I am, what I look like, and how I go about my days. Happiness whispers, it doesn't yell.
4. Being Calm - in the face of utter chaos. It's a mom trait, I think. Not everyone who is a mom embodies it and not everyone who embodies it is a mom.
5. Being Nurturing - caring for those around me to the degree that they will accept and not more.
6. Being Graceful - accepting defeat and struggle with an eye to the future and one's own strengths.
7. Being Non-competitive - another facet of gracefulness. Comparison is the gospel of the devil, I always say.
8. Looking out for yourself - because nobody knows you and your needs like you do, and you can't help anyone if you're always in need of help yourself.
9. Staying positive - believing the best of situations, and not giving all of your attention to situations that aren't the best.
10. Being gentle - tenderness goes a long way
11. Knowing when to speak - and not always saying everything that crosses your mind.
12. Being close to God - knowing that you are his treasure.

As you might imagine, these are hard things to stick to in high school, but I continue to be quite amazed at how much pushback I get from adults on these things. It's harder now than ever to maintain these qualities, not because of me but because of others. People really don't like these things. Thankfully, some do. I hope I can count you among them.

I don't aspire to be girly. I'm probably not anyone's definition of girly. But I am my definition of feminine. And I'm pretty dang happy with that.

Love and admiration,

Shareeta