On Modesty: Mormon Mean Girls
This is a recently popular and seemingly exhausted subject - but I really did wait and take in and consider a lot before casting in my opinion. I'd like to introduce a moderate idea on the subject.
My problem with the modesty concept and the way that it's taught is not that it has no value, but that it is over-emphasized and only partially explained to young women, to their duress and the the duress of their peers. Why do I feel like I can say this? Because I lived it.
We often talk about modesty in the context of self-respect. I want to connect that concept of self-respect to the concept of self-esteem for the sake of my understanding. We often teach girls that someone with self respect (read: self-esteem) will cover their body. Hopefully we're teaching them that their bodies are good things and that the only reason to cover them is because they are sacred, not bad. We may or may not be completing that teaching in our culture - but I hope we are.
There's still a teaching we're missing out on, though. Teaching girls about modesty being an indicator of self-respect or self-esteem and leaving at that ISN'T ENOUGH. Let me tell you why. I'll illustrate with a story.
This last summer, I was sitting with a group of mormon young single adults at my friend's house. We had watched a movie and were eating some food and chatting. One of the girls started into a story from work about watching a girl and a photographer, shooting for a spread in a magazine. She expressed her disgust at having to witness the event and commented on the girl's self-esteem - particularly the lack thereof. I found that to be rather presumptuous, assuming the feelings of another person. I wondered if anyone had picked apart the girl making the observation's observable behavior to determine her self-esteem. It seemed really rude to me, and it brought up the thought: isn't there more to self-respect than how we dress? And at what point did it become acceptable to sit around judging someone for their lack of self-respect? That likely only hurts their self-respect and their self-esteem.
Perhaps because I've become so counter-culture or more likely because I'm so inclined to defend people who are being attacked behind their back and notwithstanding the pious attitude that the room had taken, I told the girl speaking that I had, in fact, had a job sitting on Harleys at a dealership in a black bikini in college. It was certainly an uncomfortable moment, she sort of paused for a moment, then continued on after about the respect bikini photoshoot girl had for herself - or again, the lack thereof. Consistent with character, I looked the girl straight in the eye and said, "When I sat on bikes in a bikini, I didn't feel very good about myself, either."
I didn't expand on why that was. I didn't feel like I needed to explain why I struggled, that a history of emotional and sexual abuse and self-inflicted harm in the form of anorexia and destructive relationships left me very destitute and helpless at the time that I decided to let someone fluff my hair and put me in heels to sell motorcycles and ATVs. It's really none of her business. But it was important to say something, because when we simply leave the explanation to modesty being an indication of self-respect and explain no more, we give room for those we teach to judge, villainize and ostracize others for their lack of self-respect or self-esteem.
When I was a teenager, the portion of my social circle that was mormon girls was not a welcome part in my life. They didn't just choose not to include me, they chose to judge me to the point of frequently calling me to let me know that I wasn't included in what they were doing at the time. I was often called on to celebrate them winning in a competition with me. Literally. This wasn't every mormon girl, but I can tell you that it happened to me at the hands of every girl who's mother made subtle or not-so-subtle statements about the things I did and how little respect I had for myself and others.
You see, in my teenage years, I was deeply depressed and haunted by post traumatic stress disorder. No one knew this at the time, but I was judged on what I did and didn't do. I still feel the echos of those judgments in my life, though they matter much less now. When you're a mentally ill teenager, though, your lack of self-respect is actually borne of how other people treat you. I didn't start off thinking I was a lazy brat, not worth anything because I was a bad mormon because of the clothes I wore.
Honestly, though? I ended up feeling that way about myself and it contributed hugely to my anorexia because so many people inadvertently taught their daughters lessons on how to judge me and then punish me for my lack of self-respect (which existed because of prior abuse).
There is SO MUCH MORE to self-respect and self-esteem than modesty. In fact, I have greater self-esteem than the large majority of my peers as a young adult. Just about everyone in YSA wards hate Relief Society and will tell you so because they grew up being pitted against each other as they learned to judge each other by such shallow means as modesty.
If you don't believe me, start going to YSA ward for a while and see how things get. Not that I don't enjoy and appreciate my ward and my sisters - but I'm very selective about who I get close to and what I say to women in my ward. In fact, my former abuser has a bit of fan club in my relief society that likes to treat me a certain way, but that's another story.
Back to the point: There's so much more to self-esteem and really, to modesty, than how much skin is showing. If we emphasize the reasoning behind modesty as self-respect and never mention all the other indicators of self-respect in a girl's world, we're really doing her a disservice.
Parents, I don't say this to criticize you specifically but to call us all to a higher responsibility to help young girls in a world that's naturally opposed to them and their gifts. Please help us in every way you can. It's hard to grow up this way, and if it's in any way convincing to you about the seriousness of this issue, I'll share that visiting teaching has taught me how common abuse is - and that is sad.
Let's give girls and women the best message of all, that they are daughters of God and are thus worthy of all the kindness they can muster for themselves and others.
Love and Admiration,
Shareeta
P.S. I was assuming we could abandon the "women in the eyes of men" argument about modesty... if I'm wrong, by all means let me know and I'll write about it.
My problem with the modesty concept and the way that it's taught is not that it has no value, but that it is over-emphasized and only partially explained to young women, to their duress and the the duress of their peers. Why do I feel like I can say this? Because I lived it.
We often talk about modesty in the context of self-respect. I want to connect that concept of self-respect to the concept of self-esteem for the sake of my understanding. We often teach girls that someone with self respect (read: self-esteem) will cover their body. Hopefully we're teaching them that their bodies are good things and that the only reason to cover them is because they are sacred, not bad. We may or may not be completing that teaching in our culture - but I hope we are.
There's still a teaching we're missing out on, though. Teaching girls about modesty being an indicator of self-respect or self-esteem and leaving at that ISN'T ENOUGH. Let me tell you why. I'll illustrate with a story.
This last summer, I was sitting with a group of mormon young single adults at my friend's house. We had watched a movie and were eating some food and chatting. One of the girls started into a story from work about watching a girl and a photographer, shooting for a spread in a magazine. She expressed her disgust at having to witness the event and commented on the girl's self-esteem - particularly the lack thereof. I found that to be rather presumptuous, assuming the feelings of another person. I wondered if anyone had picked apart the girl making the observation's observable behavior to determine her self-esteem. It seemed really rude to me, and it brought up the thought: isn't there more to self-respect than how we dress? And at what point did it become acceptable to sit around judging someone for their lack of self-respect? That likely only hurts their self-respect and their self-esteem.
Perhaps because I've become so counter-culture or more likely because I'm so inclined to defend people who are being attacked behind their back and notwithstanding the pious attitude that the room had taken, I told the girl speaking that I had, in fact, had a job sitting on Harleys at a dealership in a black bikini in college. It was certainly an uncomfortable moment, she sort of paused for a moment, then continued on after about the respect bikini photoshoot girl had for herself - or again, the lack thereof. Consistent with character, I looked the girl straight in the eye and said, "When I sat on bikes in a bikini, I didn't feel very good about myself, either."
I didn't expand on why that was. I didn't feel like I needed to explain why I struggled, that a history of emotional and sexual abuse and self-inflicted harm in the form of anorexia and destructive relationships left me very destitute and helpless at the time that I decided to let someone fluff my hair and put me in heels to sell motorcycles and ATVs. It's really none of her business. But it was important to say something, because when we simply leave the explanation to modesty being an indication of self-respect and explain no more, we give room for those we teach to judge, villainize and ostracize others for their lack of self-respect or self-esteem.
When I was a teenager, the portion of my social circle that was mormon girls was not a welcome part in my life. They didn't just choose not to include me, they chose to judge me to the point of frequently calling me to let me know that I wasn't included in what they were doing at the time. I was often called on to celebrate them winning in a competition with me. Literally. This wasn't every mormon girl, but I can tell you that it happened to me at the hands of every girl who's mother made subtle or not-so-subtle statements about the things I did and how little respect I had for myself and others.
You see, in my teenage years, I was deeply depressed and haunted by post traumatic stress disorder. No one knew this at the time, but I was judged on what I did and didn't do. I still feel the echos of those judgments in my life, though they matter much less now. When you're a mentally ill teenager, though, your lack of self-respect is actually borne of how other people treat you. I didn't start off thinking I was a lazy brat, not worth anything because I was a bad mormon because of the clothes I wore.
Honestly, though? I ended up feeling that way about myself and it contributed hugely to my anorexia because so many people inadvertently taught their daughters lessons on how to judge me and then punish me for my lack of self-respect (which existed because of prior abuse).
There is SO MUCH MORE to self-respect and self-esteem than modesty. In fact, I have greater self-esteem than the large majority of my peers as a young adult. Just about everyone in YSA wards hate Relief Society and will tell you so because they grew up being pitted against each other as they learned to judge each other by such shallow means as modesty.
If you don't believe me, start going to YSA ward for a while and see how things get. Not that I don't enjoy and appreciate my ward and my sisters - but I'm very selective about who I get close to and what I say to women in my ward. In fact, my former abuser has a bit of fan club in my relief society that likes to treat me a certain way, but that's another story.
Back to the point: There's so much more to self-esteem and really, to modesty, than how much skin is showing. If we emphasize the reasoning behind modesty as self-respect and never mention all the other indicators of self-respect in a girl's world, we're really doing her a disservice.
Parents, I don't say this to criticize you specifically but to call us all to a higher responsibility to help young girls in a world that's naturally opposed to them and their gifts. Please help us in every way you can. It's hard to grow up this way, and if it's in any way convincing to you about the seriousness of this issue, I'll share that visiting teaching has taught me how common abuse is - and that is sad.
Let's give girls and women the best message of all, that they are daughters of God and are thus worthy of all the kindness they can muster for themselves and others.
Love and Admiration,
Shareeta
P.S. I was assuming we could abandon the "women in the eyes of men" argument about modesty... if I'm wrong, by all means let me know and I'll write about it.
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