On Going Public...
This week has been an interesting one, to be sure. I've gotten some really curious feedback on my writing... specifically since writing Confessions of an Anorexic Athlete. The number one response is some variation of, "Wow, that's bold and really brave." Sometimes it's not that nice, and usually more subtle than a verbal statement, but to the effect of the always nasty, "I didn't want to know," or, "It's impolite to talk about," or, "You're making it up/exaggerating," or, "There's no way you could act the way you do if that had really happened."
But generally, everyone will come out and say, "Why are you going public with that information? Isn't that a little crazy?"
In response to that question...
Yes, absolutely. Honestly, if you didn't know I was a little crazy by now, you really didn't know me well at all. It's a good kind of crazy. There's no such thing as normal anyway.
This brings me to my next point, though. Since there's just no such thing as normal, and since I was introduced to the horrors of a sick and patriarchal world early, I am determined to make a difference. I want young women around me (and everyone around me) to know that while life is an absolute joy it is also absolutely full of struggle and a true test. I want them to know that it's going to be a really hard time and that they will survive it, that they are worthy and wonderful and that they don't have to be limited by circumstances.
I am so accustomed to putting on a brave face all day, every day that I've now been identified with the characteristics of multiple personality disorder. It doesn't disturb me - I've always known that the voice of my bullies had taken residence in my head and I was so ashamed. This period of recovery is about ousting shame - today I was working with my personal trainer and while we were working on mobility, he said that my arm would probably bruise. The voice jumped up to say, "Well, I'm used to hiding things," but the shame came with it and I caught it before it came out of my mouth. I realized what I was doing and I made a point to let the voice out of me - I said, "Sometimes things just come to my mind that are so heartbreakingly sad, and I just had one of those moments," and I told him what had just come to my mind.
I purged the shame and the voice. I didn't have to purge food from my body by vomit or exercise, because I purged with my words. Then I purged by listening to this song... and just crying.
This brings me back to why I'm public about it... The best way to be a role model for young women around me is to be authentic, even where it feels painful and difficult. The best way to be a role model for young women around me is to heal myself, to feel a sense of worthiness and value and accept love.
I know, from experience, that young ladies are watching their adult counterparts constantly and emulating physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I know because many of my counterparts didn't feel very good about themselves or acknowledge their own needs or struggles or imperfections or worthiness.
And that's what I learned, to be invisible and perfect at any cost.
Now I'm done with that. I don't really care that people tell me that I'll never develop relationships if I lead with my struggles - if that's the case, they're not relationships I want, anyway. I don't care if you think it's impolite for me to talk about rape or domestic abuse or emotional abuse. I don't hate people for doing those things, either. So many people are stuck in some facet of the cycle of abuse and it's so difficult to interrupt. It's still a huge portion of my life, choosing to go places to attempt to interrupt the cycle of abuse where I see it (because oh, do I ever see it all around me.) I get that it's uncomfortable to acknowledge that it's all around us... really, all around (Domestic Abuse and Rape Statistics)... but I'm big on stepping outside of comfort zones. Growth is more important to me than comfort.
Girls and young women need to see women who are imperfect and worthy. They need to know that they deserve the absolute best, especially from themselves. That doesn't mean spoiled or entitled, those are not symptoms of self-care, those are symptoms of self-hate and insecurity.
This is why I am who I am. This is why I do what I do. It's better to just get the 800 pound gorilla out of the room, in any case, because if people are going to judge me for it, I'd rather know right off the bat.
So, go for it, judge me. If you think I haven't gained an immense sense of emotional literacy and resiliency and joy... you're deeply mistaken. Your judgement can really only hurt you. On the other hand, if you believe in what I'm doing, I've gained another ally and a greater sense of community on a hard and continuing journey. Together, we can create safe and happy spaces for those that need shelter.
Love and Admiration,
Shareeta
But generally, everyone will come out and say, "Why are you going public with that information? Isn't that a little crazy?"
In response to that question...
Yes, absolutely. Honestly, if you didn't know I was a little crazy by now, you really didn't know me well at all. It's a good kind of crazy. There's no such thing as normal anyway.
I am so accustomed to putting on a brave face all day, every day that I've now been identified with the characteristics of multiple personality disorder. It doesn't disturb me - I've always known that the voice of my bullies had taken residence in my head and I was so ashamed. This period of recovery is about ousting shame - today I was working with my personal trainer and while we were working on mobility, he said that my arm would probably bruise. The voice jumped up to say, "Well, I'm used to hiding things," but the shame came with it and I caught it before it came out of my mouth. I realized what I was doing and I made a point to let the voice out of me - I said, "Sometimes things just come to my mind that are so heartbreakingly sad, and I just had one of those moments," and I told him what had just come to my mind.
I purged the shame and the voice. I didn't have to purge food from my body by vomit or exercise, because I purged with my words. Then I purged by listening to this song... and just crying.
This brings me back to why I'm public about it... The best way to be a role model for young women around me is to be authentic, even where it feels painful and difficult. The best way to be a role model for young women around me is to heal myself, to feel a sense of worthiness and value and accept love.
I know, from experience, that young ladies are watching their adult counterparts constantly and emulating physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I know because many of my counterparts didn't feel very good about themselves or acknowledge their own needs or struggles or imperfections or worthiness.
And that's what I learned, to be invisible and perfect at any cost.
Now I'm done with that. I don't really care that people tell me that I'll never develop relationships if I lead with my struggles - if that's the case, they're not relationships I want, anyway. I don't care if you think it's impolite for me to talk about rape or domestic abuse or emotional abuse. I don't hate people for doing those things, either. So many people are stuck in some facet of the cycle of abuse and it's so difficult to interrupt. It's still a huge portion of my life, choosing to go places to attempt to interrupt the cycle of abuse where I see it (because oh, do I ever see it all around me.) I get that it's uncomfortable to acknowledge that it's all around us... really, all around (Domestic Abuse and Rape Statistics)... but I'm big on stepping outside of comfort zones. Growth is more important to me than comfort.Girls and young women need to see women who are imperfect and worthy. They need to know that they deserve the absolute best, especially from themselves. That doesn't mean spoiled or entitled, those are not symptoms of self-care, those are symptoms of self-hate and insecurity.
This is why I am who I am. This is why I do what I do. It's better to just get the 800 pound gorilla out of the room, in any case, because if people are going to judge me for it, I'd rather know right off the bat.
So, go for it, judge me. If you think I haven't gained an immense sense of emotional literacy and resiliency and joy... you're deeply mistaken. Your judgement can really only hurt you. On the other hand, if you believe in what I'm doing, I've gained another ally and a greater sense of community on a hard and continuing journey. Together, we can create safe and happy spaces for those that need shelter.
Love and Admiration,
Shareeta
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