Old me/New me/Dichoto me

See what I did there?

I have two sides to my personality, one is always waxing, one is always waning. I hesitate to even call one of these sides part of my personality because its at odds with who I see myself as and who I want to be. I am working very hard on being my most genuine self in every setting. It's a process.

One side of my personality is like a public face - but it extends far beyond that. At this point in my life, this part only shows up when I'm first getting to know someone or in a group of more than a few. This is not me. This part of me is shaped by years of conditioning, fear and anxiety. The reason this is more than a public mask is because after a certain amount of time being "on" constantly, it started to creep into my way of being and changed my feelings about myself until I can't turn it "off" anymore. This version of Shareeta is a huge barrier to meeting the real Shareeta. This version is conscious of scrutiny and an intense and unforgiving perfectionist. Often, she cracks under the pressure and shows dysfunction.

"Public" Shareeta is a little crazy, very outgoing, highly social and always accommodating everyone else's needs. She's quick and bubbly with anxious energy. This person, though she takes up space in me, is not me and could not be further from the truth of my personality. I spend a lot of time working on ways to oust that person that's taken up residence in me. It's working, but years of conditioning take time to undo.

At any given time, I'm very much like a duck. Smooth on the surface, churning beneath.

Today, I just don't want to eat. I have a hard time explaining how it works to someone who doesn't have anorexia. My body has been experiencing a lot of biochemical changes with the beginning of recovery, and it bears repeating that anorexia is a mental disorder that has physical symptoms. You might have noticed I wrote, "my body is experiencing" rather than, "I am experiencing." This is due to extreme dissociation. I don't associate my body with myself - I get frustrated with it always for its imperfections. I want to punish it for its sins, the sin of being sexually appealing, the sin of being less than perfect, the sin of changing moods and failing to meet the expectations of everyone around.

I've been doing really good with food, and I'll continue to push through because I'll never be a mother if I can't conquer this. But today is a liquid diet kind of day because my stress management system has been formed in a way that only associates with perfectionism and shame, and an obsessive fixation on food and body image I didn't even realize I was experiencing. Re-starting is difficult. I've chosen good means of recovery, but its no breeze.

There's a lot of stuff in there... it's just, gooey.

I think the most important thing to remember is that while I'm in recovery, I'm not myself just yet. It's not my temperament or my character or my inclination to be anxious, unforgiving or harsh. In my truest nature I'm gentle and sweet and loving, to myself, too. It's progressing.

 But it's a difficult process.

So I battle daily. It's a choice.

It's a choice to practice compassion for self rather than self-loathing.

It's a choice to not find imperfections in my body's physical appearance, to praise its beauty and successes.

It's a choice to not dwell on everything I do "wrong" to people, even in the most minuscule ways but rather focus on what I'm always doing to serve others from a place of authentic love.

It's a choice to know that my hurts and pains are real and valid and in no way worthy of shame, rather than inflicting self-harm in various elaborate ways to prove that I'm hurting even when it's invisible to others.

It's a choice to not starve, but to nourish myself.

Love and Admiration,

Shareeta