If You're Not Going to Help Me, Get Out of My Way

I had the specific privilege of seeing a close family friend in the grocery store today, and it made my day to stop to talk to him and catch up on how he and his family are doing. He's always had a very special role in my life - sometimes as a father figure (more often than not), sometimes a kindred spirit, sometimes as a role model in working bravely through the stumbling blocks of life, and mostly just an example of seeking happiness and peace unapologetically.

  Now this very dear family friend said something (initially apologetically, not knowing how I would take it) that I know is the case but very few people just say. A lot of people allude to this fact but this person is perhaps the only person to say it without long discussions and coaxing as to why my existence is frequently as source of interpersonal controversy:

He said that everyone is terrified of me. Now, prior to the moment in conversation where I thanked him for saying so and showed my appreciation and engagement in his life, even he was a little shifty. I have to tell you, to this day, my response to this whole sentiment is best described by this expression:

Really? Do I look like I could beat you up?

Now, over the past couple of years, I've done a lot of personal self-discovery and I suppose I agree with this very direct and the other less direct sentiments to this effect (ie: "It takes a confident person to ask Shareeta out," "Your only problem is you don't expect more of the people around you," or the always lovely and not-at-all-provoked-defensive, "You are so not threatening!" [okay, why did you bring it up, then?] or the constant in depth accusations of my insecurity/harassment and stalking [*shrug* okay, I'm going to go be insecure over here, away from you because I find you annoying]). People seem to be rather intimidated by me. I've drawn some conclusions about why I think this is, I may very well be wrong. However, for the sake of my argument:

1. Well, I'm not afraid of being wrong. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being wrong sometimes. I know what I believe I'm not wrong about but for everything else if people tell me I'm wrong they kind of freak out when I reply, "Could be..." and walk away. My sense of self-worth isn't hung up on being right about everything, it's based on who I am and that I can continue to contribute to the well-being of individuals and communities around me, and no argument can stop me from doing that. I think it's honestly a very healthy reaction, and one I value and settle for no less in my relationships, but hey...
   ... which leads to...
2. I'm not afraid to hold my ground, but not above giving up on a pointless argument. In other words: I literally have nothing to prove to you. That doesn't mean I won't try sometimes, but not for the sake of my ego, for the sake of learning on my part and yours. But if it's clear that you're not going to listen, then I'm not going to waste my time going ego vs. ego. I'm going to continue to believe what I believe and you're going to believe what you believe. So unless the discussion is logical and truly not emotional, I'm not going to bother to disagree. I've had enough practice in life dealing with difficult people, trauma and topics to not want to get my emotions in a logical discussion, and perhaps more importantly realize when that's already happening and disengage.
3. I have not the slightest doubt, not for one millisecond of one day, that I am a radiantly beautiful, feminine and good woman. This has nothing to do with how I look, but sometimes I enjoy that, too. I'm not in competition with anyone. I don't care if anyone thinks they're in competition with me. They're not.
4. I'm not reliant upon male attention to feel valuable. Sometimes I need it, sometimes I need female attention. This just has to do with what feels right when I'm coping with the struggles in my life. We've all fallen in that attention pit before, myself included, but between competing for and seeking male attention and hanging out by myself in my bed, I will choose my bed everytime.
5. I'm not afraid of losing friends by calling out their inappropriate behavior. If the defining characteristic of a friendship is that both parties approve of everything that the other party does and says, then is it really a friendship or is it just a mutual agreement to walk on eggshells all day long?
6. I like hanging out by myself and I've totally accepted that about myself.
7. On that note: Radical self-acceptance generally feels a bit threatening because most people haven't accepted themselves so fully (in my observation of everyone I've ever met).
8. I'm not shy about my good traits, I don't believe its my job to hide my light so anyone else's can shine brighter. Now, this is not without tact. I don't mean to say that I need to show those things off nor do I mean to say I can't concede credit where credit is due. I just don't feel like there's anything about myself (good or bad) that needs hiding for my benefit or anyone else's.
9. I'm not afraid of controversial topics.
10. I'm not intimidated nor will I allow myself to be made to feel less-than for any reason including (but not limited to): age, gender, experience, education, etc.
11. I also don't think of anyone else as less-than based on anything for any of those reasons, or because of disability, life circumstance, religion, etc. I will always stand up for someone, to anyone, if I think that one party is treating the other wrong.

Those are just some of the things that probably contribute to this sort of intimidation factor I seem to have. There's surely more, and if I was deeply vested in having a complete and full description of this topic... well, I'm not. So that's not happening here.

So, the title. None of those things I am are really expressive of how I see myself as a whole.

As a whole, I am deeply dedicated to helping the supposed "least" of my brethren, which I think is a kind of funny way to put it anyway because the people that others seem to consider the "least" are pretty exclusively the ones that have been consistently kind to me and I honestly prefer to have their friendship and I'm very suspicious of everyone else by nature (not without reason, but again, that's another blog post).

So, if you're not going to to do that with me, at least get out of the way.

Love and Admiration,

Shareeta