Something Had to Be Said and A Dedication

So, in lds practice, we take the first Sunday of the month and fast for two meals/pray for a cause we've chosen. During the meeting that we'd normally have assigned speakers, we have an open forum for the sharing of testimonies.

  I had an interesting experience between the first Sunday of June and the first Sunday of July. A lot of struggle, meaning, new information, pain and resolution. What I find interesting is the timing of that learning and growth. In June, I asked for everyone to fast for me for diagnosis and understanding in the matters of my health struggles. I can't say that I have full resolution, but rest assured, answers have come. I was too sick on the first Sunday in June to make it to church. I asked for help I didn't receive, and that was difficult in its own right, but it was a learning experience, as much of this month has been.

  Interestingly enough, though I was sick, I felt a strong compulsion to open my journal and write a testimony. I would later read it to my mom, and we'd both feel the peace we associate with the spirit of God there. It was kind of an odd one in a "typical mormon" sense. I feel like our culture does a lot to pat ourselves on the back - this testimony is definitely not that. I had every aspect of this testimony tested this month through what I think of as a walk through my personal Gethsemane (how I often try to keep perspective on the horrors of my unpredictable and sometimes seemingly ongoing and neverending PTSD flashbacks and accompanying agitation and pain). However, I did share this testimony in church today, and now here:

  

  I have a testimony. I have a testimony that terrible things happen to good people. I have a testimony that Jesus Christ is my living Savior.

  Why do I have a testimony of terrible things happening to good people? Last month, you were asked to fast for me. I know about terrible things happening to me. I know something about why terrible things happened to me and why I accept Heavenly Father's will in my life.

  Most people's reaction - more inside the church (and inside this room) than out - is distressed denial. More members of the church have found some way to identify why my trials can be attributed to my behavior than any other group of people. I'm not bitter about this. I understand something you may not yet - that I'm not the reason or cause for many of my trials - and that they're here for learning. I have been denied, blamed, isolated, ignored and ostracized. I, out of necessity, went outside of the church, seeking friends of different perspectives. And I found some of the most Christlike and empathetic and charitable people I now know - and they became my first loyal and consistent lifelong friends. I learned so much from them, crying on their shoulder, complaining, getting angry, learning to forgive, healing. They gave me so much kindness and patience, and as I listened, I learned where their well of empathy was filled - in the trenches of discrimination, denial, being ostracized, ignored, blamed and isolated.

  And so I had hope.

  And as I learned their stories and began to love them, I knew that I had to stand with them as they stood with me.

  And that is how I learned to be okay, even grateful, for my trials - and how to forgive all of you for the ways you (and others) have mistreated me. I learned that I don't leave this life with anything but what I've learned. I learned that the most humble and unassuming among us are the teachers. I learned how much I love you, and that I received these struggles so you could learn the charity and compassion that you need to build the kingdom of God around the world.

 And truthfully, it's well worth it.

Now, I certainly got some resistance and discomfort (how is that in any way new to me? hmm... it's not.) but I rest assured that I said what the spirit prompted me not only to write, but to dwell on for a month and live for a month and test my testimony for month before bearing it. So I don't have any regrets on the matter.

  So in another thrilling episode of It's my blog and I do what I want...

I wanted to introduce you to one of those people that so loves me and supports me who I had the particular pleasure of celebrating today.

Her name is Stephanie and I love her very much.

Steph and I met in high school, but both having more introverted social temperaments, grew our friendship after that time. Over the years since then, we've both had ups and downs, crazy times, struggles and triumphs. We learned a lot about ourselves, each other, our families and our dreams. Steph decided she didn't want to work in film, I dropped out of nursing school, we shirked things that didn't fit. Through it all, we discovered some beautiful things about each other and our friendship. I am particularly grateful for Steph's quiet loyalty, kindness and acceptance. She was a friend (and sister!) in a way that no one could be for me for a long time - she has a sweet gentleness and absolute loyalty to the people she loves. I've been the benefactor of her gifts and kindness on many occasions, not just the kind things she puts together for gifts or occasions, but in the was she sticks up for me, comforts me, listens and supports me. Today was a particularly happy day - I've also had the pleasure of knowing and spending time with her fiance, Tyler. They are so good for each other, and their kindness and charity has benefited me greatly. You know when you have friends so good that when they're doing things for you that you can't repay, you just feel a loved part of their family? That's how these two are. To say that I was pleased to go and spend time celebrating at Steph's bridal shower is an understatement. Even with my lessened stamina as of late, I was puppy-like in my eagerness. I am overjoyed to celebrate with both of them :)

Oh my gosh, I've been so excited all day!

Love and Admiration,

Shareeta