It's the Dreaded "A" Word!
I've been thinking a lot about, well... everything. As per usual. But the topics are changing a bit lately. Perhaps it's the fact that I'm creating a maintenance plan for my health, or that I've acknowledged the interconnectedness of all of my experiences and struggles - but the topic of my dialogue with myself has been a more self-aware lately. I've been having thoughts about my self-perception. And the inherent function and dysfunction of that self-perception.
It's hard to pinpoint what's brought it up, but there are some telling things... pictures of me as of late are suddenly alarming. Why? Because it's like it hit me all at once... since the start of the last (and most severe) flare of my illness, I am ~15 lbs. lighter. It's kind of strange that the weight snuck away with my health. Somehow that happens.
I don't just get sick. There's a lot more to it than just... physical pain.
Here it is: I have, and have had, an eating disorder for many years. Not really limited to the scope of Anorexia, but that's somewhat of a description. I'm really sick of the stigmas attached to it.
I don't think I'm fat. I despise being so skinny, actually. I was bullied and demeaned for years for being too skinny, a bean-pole and the mother of all insults to me: boyish. In fact, these pictures are freaking me out:
I become so distracted and distraught by my physical pain and trauma that I forget what hunger feels like.
It is specifically unhelpful to:
1. Tell me to "eat a sandwich," or that, "you're worried about me," or that, "I'm beautiful just the way I am." Why? Because I will make you the best damn sandwich you've ever had (I'm partial to carmelized onion and pear/gouda paninis myself), because I'm also worried about me and if you're a relatively decent person I assumed you were already, and because I think you're stupid to point out that I'm beautiful when I'm very aware of that, thankyewverymuchmisterormisssoinformedonhowEDswork.
2. Tell other people that I have an eating disorder or talk about it behind my back.
Why? Because you're being gossipy to handle your own feelings about it whilst ignoring what I prefer and is wise - ie: not divulging my personal medical information to others against my wishes and without my consent. I can't really think of a time or instance where this wouldn't make me deeply suspicious of you, and I will likely stop talking to you and even more likely avoid you at all costs if you do this. So, you know, proceed with caution I guess, do-gooder.
3. Feel like you're more aware than me of the dangers/treatment/philosophy behind healing.
Why? Because you're not. Period. If you continue to disagree, step in line to the category of people I avoid at all costs because you're not worth wasting my precious, limited energy on.
4. Confront me about anorexia.
Why? Hi. I'm Shareeta, I'm writing a blog post about having an eating disorder to tell you I have it so you're not really telling me something I'm not aware of/in denial about. Also, I quit my job and broke an lease and told everyone in my close proximity to help me and I'm seeing a therapist and I'm doing all kinds of therapy and I have a gastroenterologist exploring if there's a physiological reason as to why I frequently cease to feel hunger. I am, by the way, not a fan of having an eating disorder and I want to get better. When you feel the pious urge to confront me about my disorder that I know that I have, you perpetuate the stupid stereotypes and stigma about it and you are being actively unhelpful.
5. Just about anything I haven't specifically asked you to do in relation to my eating disorder, including (but not limited to): watching what I eat wherever I go with you, trying to coax me into eating, feeling pity for me (uh, yuck. I hate it when people pity me. If you pity me, I don't think you're really respecting me.), informing others, acting like an eating cheerleader, unsolicited mental health advice, unsolicited gifts of food, making assumptions about why I have an eating disorder... I could go on. But I won't. It's exhausting as it is.
Why? Because (and excuse my french...) I like to handle my own shit, okay? I acknowledge and am aware that I need help and I will ask for it when I need it. Perhaps the only exception to this rule is this: You are always wonderfully helpful when you do research to become and informed participant in a discussion about body health, mental health, issues around trauma, treatment and psychological philosophy behind all sorts of disordered body and eating behaviors including (but not limited to): anorexia (both in the clinical sense as a physiological symptom and a mental disorder - anorexia nervosa), binging, purging, nausea, bulimia, maintaining psychological stability by controlling one's body, the affects of severe sexual abuse and violent physical abuse, developmental stages and emotional support.
GUH. So I WANT TO GAIN WEIGHT. Get off my back about it, I don't want to gain weight because you're there!
(Some) Love and Admiration,
Shareeta
It's hard to pinpoint what's brought it up, but there are some telling things... pictures of me as of late are suddenly alarming. Why? Because it's like it hit me all at once... since the start of the last (and most severe) flare of my illness, I am ~15 lbs. lighter. It's kind of strange that the weight snuck away with my health. Somehow that happens.
I don't just get sick. There's a lot more to it than just... physical pain.
Here it is: I have, and have had, an eating disorder for many years. Not really limited to the scope of Anorexia, but that's somewhat of a description. I'm really sick of the stigmas attached to it.
I don't think I'm fat. I despise being so skinny, actually. I was bullied and demeaned for years for being too skinny, a bean-pole and the mother of all insults to me: boyish. In fact, these pictures are freaking me out:
 |
| Bein' strange and skinny. |
 |
| All my clothes got too big very quickly. |
 |
| And now I have a guitar with more curves than me. |
I become so distracted and distraught by my physical pain and trauma that I forget what hunger feels like.
It is specifically unhelpful to:
1. Tell me to "eat a sandwich," or that, "you're worried about me," or that, "I'm beautiful just the way I am." Why? Because I will make you the best damn sandwich you've ever had (I'm partial to carmelized onion and pear/gouda paninis myself), because I'm also worried about me and if you're a relatively decent person I assumed you were already, and because I think you're stupid to point out that I'm beautiful when I'm very aware of that, thankyewverymuchmisterormisssoinformedonhowEDswork.
2. Tell other people that I have an eating disorder or talk about it behind my back.
Why? Because you're being gossipy to handle your own feelings about it whilst ignoring what I prefer and is wise - ie: not divulging my personal medical information to others against my wishes and without my consent. I can't really think of a time or instance where this wouldn't make me deeply suspicious of you, and I will likely stop talking to you and even more likely avoid you at all costs if you do this. So, you know, proceed with caution I guess, do-gooder.
3. Feel like you're more aware than me of the dangers/treatment/philosophy behind healing.
Why? Because you're not. Period. If you continue to disagree, step in line to the category of people I avoid at all costs because you're not worth wasting my precious, limited energy on.
4. Confront me about anorexia.
Why? Hi. I'm Shareeta, I'm writing a blog post about having an eating disorder to tell you I have it so you're not really telling me something I'm not aware of/in denial about. Also, I quit my job and broke an lease and told everyone in my close proximity to help me and I'm seeing a therapist and I'm doing all kinds of therapy and I have a gastroenterologist exploring if there's a physiological reason as to why I frequently cease to feel hunger. I am, by the way, not a fan of having an eating disorder and I want to get better. When you feel the pious urge to confront me about my disorder that I know that I have, you perpetuate the stupid stereotypes and stigma about it and you are being actively unhelpful.
5. Just about anything I haven't specifically asked you to do in relation to my eating disorder, including (but not limited to): watching what I eat wherever I go with you, trying to coax me into eating, feeling pity for me (uh, yuck. I hate it when people pity me. If you pity me, I don't think you're really respecting me.), informing others, acting like an eating cheerleader, unsolicited mental health advice, unsolicited gifts of food, making assumptions about why I have an eating disorder... I could go on. But I won't. It's exhausting as it is.
Why? Because (and excuse my french...) I like to handle my own shit, okay? I acknowledge and am aware that I need help and I will ask for it when I need it. Perhaps the only exception to this rule is this: You are always wonderfully helpful when you do research to become and informed participant in a discussion about body health, mental health, issues around trauma, treatment and psychological philosophy behind all sorts of disordered body and eating behaviors including (but not limited to): anorexia (both in the clinical sense as a physiological symptom and a mental disorder - anorexia nervosa), binging, purging, nausea, bulimia, maintaining psychological stability by controlling one's body, the affects of severe sexual abuse and violent physical abuse, developmental stages and emotional support.
GUH. So I WANT TO GAIN WEIGHT. Get off my back about it, I don't want to gain weight because you're there!
(Some) Love and Admiration,
Shareeta
Loves.
ReplyDeleteLove you, too, Annie! You're the best.
Delete