The Beast of Beauty
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| Looking more Rogue-ish every day... |
This blog has been my little slice of the truth, my little shout into the void of human expression. And, despite looking back on my growth and sometimes feeling embarrassed or frustrated, I stand by the assertion that what I have to say has value.
Full disclosure: the following piece is an argument informed by a lot of research I've done, but not researched or referenced specifically for this piece. Who knows? I may someday come back and do some thorough research and refer to studies I've read and theories I know to back up my claims. In the meantime, let's call this a thought experiment based on a lifetime of experience, observation, and thinking.
Looking back, there's been a telling theme that I feel to write about:
Beauty
Why beauty? For one, because the word itself is loaded with meanings specific to the individual who does the reading, because society influences that, and because of what matters and what doesn't.
Let me elaborate on that point (as I'm sure you know by now I will)...
I was told yesterday that I was one of the most objectively beautiful people someone knew (thank you, you know who you are). And that got me thinking, because I thought about the definition of objective beauty. I don't know if I really believe in it.
You see, there's a couple major influences on what makes someone objectively beautiful. First, ratios of eye size to nose size, colors and smells and symmetry. In the field of evolutionary biology, there's a lot of research on attractiveness of mates. There is a supposed golden ratio of features found in objectively beautiful people and symmetry that indicates something important to reproduction - the physical and genetic health of the subject of objective beauty. So if it follows that beauty is a function of health, I'd like to bust open the concept of beauty in a sense. Quick flowchart for effect:
Shareeta is objectively beautiful > beauty is an expression of health > Shareeta would have to be healthy to appear objectively beautiful
This is one possible train of logic, incomplete and certainly not a full explanation. However, it is designed to make my readers question how we think about beauty. So go with me on this one -
It's not true. If I'm objectively beautiful and beauty is a function of health, I'm an anomaly. An exception. An outlier.
I am not likely to pass down the best genes to propagate the species nor the best suited for survivialist situations, but my objective beauty makes me a highly desirable sexual partner (if you doubt that for a second, start hanging around in public spaces but keeping a distance from me and see how men act around me... that's another conversation). So our concept of beauty, from this perspective is skewed at best.
Let's look from another angle, specifically social psychology. We're social animals and our behavior is socially influenced. What we think is attractive is deeply influenced by messages from our family, friends, community and media (to name a few). Our exposure to different types of beauty is limited, but, for women especially, there a seeming impossible standard. This is widely recognized, if not deeply empathized with. Generally, on a spectrum of traits of non-attractive to attractive in our social circles (as a US citizen living in suburban Colorado, a very WASP-y neighborhood), women are expected to be thin, generally white or white-appearing, body hairless, with high cheekbones, clear skin, large features, short in stature and modifying their behavior in any way that suits this standard. I could go on to express expected personality traits but that would quickly get into more controversial (though not less true) territory, so I'll leave it at that.
All over the world, beautiful women don't fit those criteria. Admittedly, as an objectively beautiful person I passably fit many of those criteria, but I often get body policed for any ways in which I don't. I get reactions when I wear my saree. I get told it's inappropriate to wear my bindis, or othered when I wear them. I get different reactions when my skin is darker in the summer. I get commentary when I lose weight - usually compliments on my thinness (less as I speak out against that standard and talk about the symptoms of all my illnesses, including the eating disordered behaviors that came as a result of gastroparesis).
I think it's incredibly twisted that what it takes to stop policing other people's bodies and how they treat them is publically acknowledging an underlying, pathological illness that is often the result of losing control and having abusive stories in your past. Really. Why do we feel comfortable talking to other people about their bodies until we realize its a lesser form of a greater abuse they experienced? It's not a lesser form of abuse only because they expressed that, it's always abusive to body police and we should be kind to everyone. We shouldn't have a running commentary about anyone's body, to them or behind their back, regardless of their abusive past (or lack thereof). It doesn't make our actions less abusive if they've experienced less abuse. There are less seriously damaging forms of abuse but they are all inexcusable.
The point of this train of thought is that I am frequently, and pointlessly, policed on things that don't actually make a difference in my beauty, that beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder and that the objective beauty argument doesn't stand in the face of all the beautiful people in the world. There are millions, there are billions of them. If you pause and watch for beautiful people, not being selective in any way about racial or gender profiling, you'll find them anywhere. It is actually your conditioning and attachment that determines a lot of your attraction, and the sooner you recognize it, the sooner you can empower yourself to make choices based on your values rather than just your conditioning.
And on to linguistics... Looking at the phrase objectively beautiful, and specifically at objectively it's obvious root is object. So an objectively beautiful person is just that, an object to the eye that observes them. I am frequently told that I'm overreacting or attention seeking when I complain about being objectified. It's an ongoing thing for me. In a shallow world that values objective beauty above just about any other trait, especially in women, there is an assumption that having that value makes my life in some way easy.
If you've ever read my blog, talked to me about my life or my values, or been of service to me (or served by me), you know that's just a fallacy. I'm the subject of a lot of people's bitterness, whether it be jealous women or callous men. I could go on about this, but generally I get scoffed at. It's often assumed that my objective beauty is such a powerful card that I hold that any other action toward me is justified in compensation. People are always trying to knock me down a peg, angle to get my attention or my affection, or put me down. My life has a very long history of bullying, neglect, abuse, invalidation and my self-esteem has been deeply affected over the years. Thankfully for me, my objective beauty is an almost moot point in comparison with my other traits, two of which are resilience and optimism. So I've survived. And I've recovered.
I have not survived or recovered without severe social anxiety and relationship-mediated complex post traumatic stress disorder. This may come as a surprise, or for most of the people who actually take the time to read my blog, it may not at all. I've never been in a social situation since the beginning of my abuse (read: since I was 12 years old) that hasn't caused me massive social anxiety and left me feeling guilty, embarrassed, shamed and hurting. I've learned that people that I now actively choose to interact with aren't trying to make me feel that way and learned to identify that many people do and how to avoid them. Lots of you interact with me on a regular basis. The closer we are, the less I feel weird and guilty and self-shaming when I leave you, but I always do. It's an effect of sexual abuse and emotional abuse and years of bullying and being ostracized. It's the effect of being exotified and othered and hurt and excluded for my quirks and my differences and my PTSD. It's the result of trying so hard to be strong all the time and lacking the emotional awareness, connection and maturity to even know what my problems were for a long time. But I do hope it puts into perspective just how much I love everyone and that I fight my PTSD every day and keep trying.
I love when you think I'm beautiful because I'm strong and I'm good and I'm helpful. I will always thank you when you tell me I look beautiful, and sometimes I try to look beautiful. Not for anyone else, but because I feel better about myself every day. I feel more confident and capable and looking beautiful on the outside is just a reflection of that. I will always be that shy, quirky, kind of broken girl but I'll also always be the lightning bolt of passion and enthusiasm and love. It's a combination package. And I'm really flattered if you think it's beautiful.
I hope hearing my story puts everyone else's into perspective, because objective beauty doesn't matter really, and because I do feel beautiful.
A different kind, yes, but I know I'm beautiful.
So thanks if you think so, too.
Love and Admiration,
Shareeta
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